58
« on: May 10, 2007, 02:08:29 am »
I've really screwed myself this time. I don't know if anyone remembers the Asian girl I was talking about? It doesn't matter, I'm starting the story over again anyways.
It all starts out with me hanging out with some newer friends, spending less time on the intarwebs, and an urge to start dating again. When it comes to this newer group of friends, here are the ones I'm talking about.
Kristen: My brother is best friends with her ex-boyfriend, and she's liked him for a long ass time now. At this time, I didn't know her too well, which sucks for me. She's extremely flirtacious, is sort-of attractive, and needy attention-wise. Kristen, Minna and Lauren ate best friends.
Stephanie: She's crazy as shit, and we always butt heads and argue. I don't mean to brag, but I'm usually right. She was of the opinion Kabuki came from Africa. I dislike her a lot.
Minna: This is the asian girl. I always thought she was attractive, but I've never known her, really. She's funny and nice and stuff, but I can't read her. I pride myself on being able to read people, but I could never tell she was lying.
Lauren: She's really nice, very pretty, and funny as hell. She's more random than I am. Very cool girl.
Wizz: What can I say? She's creepy, but in a funny way. Good at keeping secrets, great to talk to.
Hannah: She was in the play, and dated my brother at one point, I think while all this happened. She's an upperclass woman, she won homecoming, she's beautiful, smart, funny, nice, and intelligent. Not just speaking out my ass either, I've known her for awhile. She used to intimidate me, because I was in the "Nerdy drama kid" class, and she was in the "Pretty popular cheerleader" class.
Emily: She's a ballerina or a dancer, not my type, but still funny and stuff.
Savannah (Sav): My sister.
And that's basically it, I think. Atleast they're the ones relevant to the story, that is.
It all starts out with me starting to flirt with Minna a bit, and then everyone else notices. I get teased about it, and I start to think that there's no way in hell Minna would ever like me anyways. It turns out I was wrong, but she's dating some other guy at the time. I get downtrodden, and stop trying after Kristen tells me what a great, nice, funloving boyfriend he is. He's in college, but sees her all of the time, buys her lots of stuff, and how they're so sweet together. I basically stop trying with Minna for a few days.
It turns out Kristen lied through her damn teeth. I already got bad vibes from her, and now I began to dislike her. Minna's boyfriend never sees her, is a total dick that no one likes, and just buys her stuff to make up for never seeing her. He threatens suicide every time she wants out of the relationship, and tried to key her friend's car after he dug through Minna's purse, and found a note in which the friend said he was crazy. Far from me feeling like a dick, I get buoyed and start trying to win her over again. We go through a series of odd antics, like sleeping over at Kristen's house in the same bed and snuggling for the night, and it ends fashionably with a makeout when we return to Kristen's house. Unfortunately, she's still dating Howie (boyfriend). After I hear some more stuff, and explore my feelings a bit, I lose interest. She's still attractive to me, but I just don't like her in the same way anymore. The main reason is because if I dated her, I would just be some auxiliary boyfriend. She always keeps him as a backup in between dating other people, even though he's a total dick. She didn't really want a real relationship, and just wanted someone she could say was hers and makeout with. I couldn't stand just being something like that. Eventually the issue was dropped, and we both moved on.
A few weeks later, I'm hanging out with some of the same people again, just that on this occasion Minna wasn't there. Now for some reason, after I had smoked Ganja two previous, I was still hung over from it. I did a baby joint the day it was happening, and totally tripped. Later on in the day, Kristen and others come a-calling and want to hang out. We end up going swimming, going out to eat, going to the local park, and just having a blast. Afterwards, Kristen wants people to come over and spend the night because her mom's out of town. I didn't want to go. I had a bad feeling about it, and was still feeling loopy from the ganja a good many hours earlier. I don't want to go, but everyone else wants me to, so I concede. We drop by the house, and as a safety precaution, I eat some ganja cookie dough I made. My logic is that if I get high off my ass, I can pass out when we get to her house and avoid trouble. We head to Wal-Mart after leaving my house and we buy some random crap. Then we head to Kristen's house, and the ganja begins to kick in. I start totally going off my rocker, and am high as a kite. I can't remember much from then on, and in the morning I wake up and Kristen's not there, she had to go to work. She gets back, and she's acting funny. After Carey shows up (Not really important) and the girlies start trading secrets, most of them start making references to the night before and weird stuff I did. Kristen acts a bit odd as well, and I assume it's just some drama flying around the theatre. After they get done talking, Kristen has this odd look on her face and ushers me into her room. She starts asking really odd questions that I just don't get, such as: "I didn't know Minna liked you still!" I couldn't get the point. I kept asking her what her deal was, and she starts talking about the night previous and what WE did. I'm completely baffled, but I start piecing stuff together. It turns out that we madeout. For hours.
I couldn't remember a damn thing at all, and I'm completely speechless. By this time she's told just about everyone what we did, and I couldn't even remember it. No one else knows I ate the ganja dough stuff, but she defintely noticed I was forgetting things within half a minute last night. I'm COMPLETELY stunned. I was just like, "wtf mate". I explain to her how I can't remember ANYTHING, and tell her about the ganja dough stuff that I ate. We start talking about Minna and what we're going to do, and I'm rather speechless still, just thinking. She starts getting annoyed I guess by me not talking much, and just starts laying on me and stuff. She starts showing cleavage and just being extremely flirtacious. I'm still a bit messed from the night before, but I know that we can't make out AGAIN after everything that's happened. But she just keeps laying on me and flirting, even after I tell her that we can't. She's just throwing herself at me, and I can't help myself, and we make out again. I'm disgusted with myself because of it, and I know no good can come of it. I ask her not to say anything, saying that she can't, and she says that she won't. It's just awkward from then on, and nothing is helped when Minna shows up. I'm feeling like I'm about to puke, and Kristen supposedly breaks the news to her and explains what happened. I actually hear Minna laughing, and Kristen tells me that I'm off the hook. I still don't feel any better, and don't feel much like looking at anybody.
The next day arrives, and all hell breaks loose. Minna posts some fiery blog on myspace (lol), and everyone is teasing me about it, and most are just acting odd or dissapointed. I feel like shit. I can't stand myself anymore, and I get sick thinking about what happened. I talk to the only person I can turn to: Wizz. We have a good long chat, and I needed it a lot. I feel better, and find out some other stuff as well. Apparently, Kristen gave a MUCH different version of the story. She told everyone about us making out again, and then 'forgot' to tell everyone I was high at the time. She turns things around on me, and spins things in her favor. I look completely guilty to Minna and others. I start giving my version of the story out, and now things look patched up. But I'm still pissed at Kristen. She's just a bad person, and I'm steering clear of her from now on. She's so manipulative and controlling, and it's like she just has everyone else fooled. I do my best to avoid her without making it seem like I AM avoiding her. Minna and me are alright now, but only just so, it seems.
Drama sucks. I've decided to stop using marijuana, atleast for awhile. It affects me differently, and it stays in my system forever. It messes me up mor than other people, especially because I had been doing it so much. I've also decided that dating is what I need, but I can't run around just kissing whoever I please. I don't want to look like some man-whore, which is exactly what's happened. I'm disgusted with myself, and I hate the front I put up. It's as if I have two sides of myself: One is the side that's more conservative, nerdy, quiet, shy, nice, intelligent, a little innocent, wise, and who isn't quite as lazy. The other is loud, assertive, arrogant, egotistical, funny, attractive, a liar, extremely flirtactious, unthoughtful, uncaring, unsympathetic, stupid, very sarcastic, vain, and possibly the worst: mean. The second side (Erik, as I call it) is what I've been lately. People respond well to it, it gets me attention, and it makes me more attractive in a lot of ways. I hate this side of myself. It's begun to ruin who I was, and I hate it. I've taken on this front for so long, that it's become part of my personality and being. I can't stand that.
I've decided to hark back to my more quiet self, but I don't want to give up the other side entirely, and I can't bear to give it up completely. However, I must find a balance, and change myself. I've set out to change myself, improve my grades, and take control of my damn life. I've been cruising along and barely making it by (sometimes not at all) and it can't continue any longer. I need to face my responsibilites, before I lose everything.
I know this all seems dramatic, but this is a big step for me. If I can do this, maybe I can be the person I want to be.
Show Posts
