In a public restroom, stand on the toilet and stare over the top of the partition at the man in the next stall. Tell him your therapist told you it's a good way of relaxing. Then lean out of the stall with your pants down, and ask someone if you can borrow a set of chopsticks and a nine-volt battery.
When you're out on the country-club dance floor with your wife, guide her over toward the orchestra and say to the conductor, "Tonight is our anniversary. Do you guys know "Wong has the Largest Tong in China?"
Did you ever see these people who drive with their headlights on in the daytime, because they think it's safer? You know what would be fun? To smash head-on into a guy like that, just to show him that his idea doesn't work.
On the hotel "How-did-we-do?" form, write, "The made offered to blow me for some candy," and "The room service waiter thrust his hand down my pants and manipulated my schwanz."
At a taxi stand, give the first driver fifty dollars and tlel him, "Go to the airport, and wait for me there." Then go to the second driver, give him fifty dollars and tell him, "Follow that cab, and under no circumstances allow it to get to the airport!" Then get in the third cab and tell the guy to follow the other two. When you're about halfway to the airport, take out a gun and start shooting at the first two cabs. Yell, "Hi-yo, Silver!" a lot.
Go into a store and tell the clerk you don't want to purchase anything. Then ask him if he'd be interested in buying sixty gallons of children's urine.
Next time you're on a plane, sit in the back row and place a boom box under the seat. Then, during takeoff, play high-pitched, metal-grinding noises on it, just loud enough to be heard over the engines. If possible, blend in the sound of a few small, muffled explosions. Keep saying, "Uh-oh!"
While seated at a nice dinner party, take a long look at the china service and say, "Hey, we had these same dishes in the army!"
Rush up to a hotel desk and mumble to the clerk, "Did the purple man with the dwarf in the cardboard box leave the Archbishop's phone number?" He will say, "What?" Repeat the sentence a little more loudly, but keep it hard to understand. Once again, a little annoyed, he will say, "What?: Keep this up until he reaches the breaking point and a small gathering of foam has appeared at the corner of his mouth. Then, when his supervisor comes over to inquire, tell her innocently, "I don't know what the problem is, ma'am. I simply asked this gentleman how late the restaurant is open, and he flew off the handle."
At a retail store, make a lot of large purchases hurriedly, and then, when signing the credit card slip, appear nervous and openly try to copy the signature that appears on your credit card. Then when the approval comes through, express visible relief. "Really? All right!" Snicker a little, and mutter a barely audible, "Idiots."
Courtesy of George Carlin, circa 1997. Some of these may be outdated.
Topic: 19 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity (Read 1000 times)
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