Random Insanity Alliance Forum, Mark V
Cactuar Zone => Random lnsanity => Topic started by: Taladrea on May 19, 2007, 07:36:15 pm
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A great example of our nations Customs Dept.
And add your own funnah pics here guys, dun be shy damnit!
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(http://i71.photobucket.com/albums/i125/JellyBean_Madison/surprise-buttsecks.jpg)
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(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v209/ananegg/Online%20stuff/JediSquirrelsmotivator.jpg)
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v209/ananegg/Online%20stuff/Wookieemotivator.jpg)
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v209/ananegg/Online%20stuff/Insaneawesomenessmotivator.jpg)
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v209/ananegg/Online%20stuff/HelloVadermotivator.jpg)
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v209/ananegg/Online%20stuff/dangerus6.jpg)
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/bump
PEOPLE PUT UP YOUR FUNNY PICS THAT YOU CAN FIND OR HAVE....Eesh!
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(http://lc.fdots.com/cc/lc/16/16ed2bc9a933df86a8577957f11a6d72.gif)
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yay
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(http://a903.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/00711/20/93/711113902_l.gif) Yarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
(http://i88.photobucket.com/albums/k172/ciubi/f/funny0290.jpg)
(http://www.bifsniff.com/images/cartoons/cheat-death.gif)
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Chuck: "You know, I've been watching old episodes of Rugrats lately, and I was wondering: Do toddlers really converse regularly about things they don't understand?"
Greg: "Yeah, it's called the presidential cabinet."
^An original of mine. Oh yea.
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Chuck: "You know, I've been watching old episodes of Rugrats lately, and I was wondering: Do toddlers really converse regularly about things they don't understand?"
Greg: "Yeah, it's called the presidential cabinet."
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(http://i172.photobucket.com/albums/w28/ermisu/mothershipcat.jpg)
(http://i172.photobucket.com/albums/w28/ermisu/invisiblecat.jpg)
(http://i172.photobucket.com/albums/w28/ermisu/fullspeedcat.gif)
(http://i172.photobucket.com/albums/w28/ermisu/1168702253-1167593228693.jpg)
(http://i172.photobucket.com/albums/w28/ermisu/13c421a841c4fa6b1d60e7ed4ca0fcac.jpg)
(http://i169.photobucket.com/albums/u236/dodgewinton/1160966134817.jpg)
(http://i102.photobucket.com/albums/m84/jonnyb55_2006/Funny%20Cats/1161733719406gs9.jpg)
(http://i169.photobucket.com/albums/u234/DarthKiljoy/TheRules.jpg)
(http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u131/Tebryn_Cabal/n500634996_53502_5880.jpg)
(http://i171.photobucket.com/albums/u282/Fiyero3305/Getinthecar.jpg)
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(http://208.116.9.205/10/graphics/pics/pictures_cats.jpg)
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(http://www.ishkur.com/posters/pornslaw.jpg)
(http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/7602/900/400/ganked.jpg)
(http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/7602/900/400/delicate.jpg)
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(http://i166.photobucket.com/albums/u111/HappyHeathenLynn/allurmeeses.jpg)
(http://i168.photobucket.com/albums/u179/funnycatmacros/danger.jpg)
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(http://i178.photobucket.com/albums/w256/prguitarman2/ROFLCL/jail.gif)
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BUMPS THIS THREAD IN THE NAME OF FUNNY PICTURES EVERYWHERE!!!!
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(http://i93.photobucket.com/albums/l55/jbates725/emo.jpg)
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(http://img41.photobucket.com/albums/v125/fireemblem87/pwned.jpg)
(http://www.hellblazer.com/media/pwned.jpg)
(http://mishilo.image.pbase.com/u13/cmnoa/upload/42525711.pwned.jpg)
(http://www.planetunreal.com/expectations/pwned.jpg)
(http://stefferx.dk/pwned.jpg)
(http://okeimakei.bitacoras.com/pwned.jpg)
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(http://www.wayodd.com/funny-pictures2/funny-pictures-the-leet-keyboard-0UZ.jpg)
(http://learnleetspeak.com/leet/leet.jpg)
(http://media.urbandictionary.com/image/large/leet-9991.jpg)
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(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v209/ananegg/Online%20stuff/JediSquirrelsmotivator.jpg)
o_o
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(http://img505.imageshack.us/img505/2894/182272712l1dynd9.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
(http://img527.imageshack.us/img527/4755/26wn8.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
(http://img505.imageshack.us/img505/2786/3rdworldyi1.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
(http://img527.imageshack.us/img527/8996/fda772a6ef2685681a48c15aq8.th.jpg) (http://img527.imageshack.us/my.php?image=fda772a6ef2685681a48c15aq8.jpg)
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(http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/online_communities.png)
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the above wins as one of the greatest things of all time
(http://www.jeepxj.com/Gallerys%20Folder/Funny%20Pages/Pics01/Funny%20Picture%200346.jpg)
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(http://www.jeepxj.com/Gallerys%20Folder/Funny%20Pages/Pics01/Funny%20Picture%200346.jpg)
(http://www.jeepxj.com/Gallerys%20Folder/Funny%20Pages/Pics02/FunnyPicsB%20(95).jpg)
(http://www.jeepxj.com/Gallerys%20Folder/Funny%20Pages/Pics02/FunnyPicsB.jpg)
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(http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/online_communities.png)
Does not have GameFAQS or LUE, Insta Phail.
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(http://www.jokesunlimited.com/jokepics/1134.jpg)
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(http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/online_communities.png)
Does not have GameFAQS or LUE, Insta Phail.
Crap, now I've wasted 3 minutes of my life looking for those =/
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(http://myspace-631.vo.llnwd.net/01042/13/60/1042020631_l.jpg)
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Voodoo Dick Joke
There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.
So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, to the old man.
"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except �" said the old man, and then he stopped.
"Except what?" asked the businessman.
"Nothing, nothing," said the old man.
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!" protested the businessman.
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick,'" the old man said.
"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" the businessman asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, "Big farking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
The old man said, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."
The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"
The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.
The businessman said, "I'll take it!"
The old man resisted and said it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo dick, my pussy."
He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.
After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"
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(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v471/WipeOut916/289.jpg)
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(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v471/WipeOut916/289.jpg)
haha... that is the greatest sign ever!! i want one!!
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(http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/online_communities.png)
Does not have GameFAQS or LUE, Insta Phail.
Crap, now I've wasted 3 minutes of my life looking for those =/
4chan is too small, insta phail.
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(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v471/WipeOut916/catcarrier.jpg)
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(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v471/WipeOut916/Kick.gif)
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[embed src=\"http://youtube.com/v/5hWsmm4E5RE.swf {350,425}\" /]
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(http://churchsigngenerator.com/images/churchsigns/open_minded.jpg)
(http://churchsigngenerator.com/images/churchsigns/church_and_state.jpg)
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(http://youfailit.net/random/fukitol.jpg)
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LOL I love the church sign generator. It's so amusing for some reason.
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[embed src=\"http://youtube.com/v/5hWsmm4E5RE.swf {350,425}\" /]
That's beyond RIA, far beyond.
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(http://i81.photobucket.com/albums/j237/Spidertroll/tmntmacros/nibble.jpg)
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(http://i81.photobucket.com/albums/j237/Spidertroll/tmnt/noporn.gif)
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(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/0903/LuLu84/eU5Xv0HTu0.jpg)
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(http://i97.photobucket.com/albums/l209/cadyismydog/ponzi5.png)
(http://i97.photobucket.com/albums/l209/cadyismydog/ponzi2.png)
(http://i97.photobucket.com/albums/l209/cadyismydog/ponzi3.png)
(http://i97.photobucket.com/albums/l209/cadyismydog/ponzi4.png)
(http://i97.photobucket.com/albums/l209/cadyismydog/ponzi1.png)
(http://i97.photobucket.com/albums/l209/cadyismydog/TheyBeStealinMyBucketSeal.jpg)
(http://i97.photobucket.com/albums/l209/cadyismydog/1_1.gif)
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(http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y21/Moonaticsam/zzz.jpg)
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you guys suck:
(http://img407.imageshack.us/img407/2204/stupidrs0.jpg)
(http://img49.imageshack.us/img49/2123/lolac3.gif)
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(http://www.deepbeep.com/bunny-vs-wolf.jpg)
Bunny-1 , Coyote-0
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lulz
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So there's this virgin farm boy and on his 18th bday his father says "son it's about time you lose your viginity and become a man" boy go out in the yard and get a duck, then take the duck to the market sell it and take the money to the whore house and get laid! So the boy is on the way to the market with the duck and he's walking past the whore house and a whore yells out the window "hey thats a mighty fine duck you have there, how bout i give u a f**k 4 that duck" the boy says ok. So after they finish the whore says "that was a great f**k, how bout u f**k me again and i,ll give u the duck back"! The boy is like hells yes. So as the boy leaves, the duck jumps out of his arms and gets killed by a truck. The guy in the truck says " sorry about your duck, heres $50 for your duck" anyway the boy is all happy when he gets home, and his dad is like tell me how it went. The boy says"GREAT, I GOT A F**K FOR A DUCK, A DUCK FOR A F**K AND $50 FOR A FU***D UP DUCK"!!!!!
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There is a man with a relatively small dick who goes to a restaurant. When he gets up to go to the bathroom, he sees a midget with a 13 incher. The man shouts "HOLY SHIT THATS HUGE!" the small man replies with "Aye, its magic that makes it that big. I'm a leprechaun, and on one condition I can make yours that big as well." The taller man immediately replies "Anything!" as he reaches for his wallet. The small man says "Oh no, I don't want yer money. Its yer ass I want." The taller man is hesitant, but accepts. So he bends over and the small man gets to work. About half way through the small man says "Tell me boy, whats your name?" The taller man says his name is Jimmy. "Now Jimmy. How old are you?" the small man asks. "I am 21" Jimmy replies. The small man's next statement haunts Jimmy for the rest of his life. "Now Jimmy, aren't you a wee bit old to be believing in leprechauns?"
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What do you call cheese that's not yours?
Nacho cheese
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What do you call cheese that's not yours?
Nacho cheese
(http://i120.photobucket.com/albums/o179/warmaster999/Smilies/violent-smiley-012.gif)
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(http://i120.photobucket.com/albums/o179/warmaster999/canadian_navy.jpg)
(http://i120.photobucket.com/albums/o179/warmaster999/railgun.jpg)
(http://i120.photobucket.com/albums/o179/warmaster999/BT-shithappens-catalog-2174.jpg)
(http://i120.photobucket.com/albums/o179/warmaster999/7db81209.jpg)
(http://i120.photobucket.com/albums/o179/warmaster999/Doing%20it%20wrong/20070515-003336.jpg)
(http://i120.photobucket.com/albums/o179/warmaster999/Doing%20it%20wrong/wrong17.jpg)
(http://i120.photobucket.com/albums/o179/warmaster999/Doing%20it%20wrong/20070723-032225.jpg)
(http://i120.photobucket.com/albums/o179/warmaster999/Doing%20it%20wrong/20070608-072551.jpg)
(http://i120.photobucket.com/albums/o179/warmaster999/Doing%20it%20wrong/20070611-012108.jpg)
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(http://www.hickerphoto.com/data/media/164/funny-signs_0350.jpg)
(http://home.socal.rr.com/dancingpeacock/funny%20worldcup.jpg)
(http://krstofer.org/arkansasstatesign.jpg)
(http://krstofer.org/charity.jpg)
(http://http://krstofer.org/lostpup.jpg)
(http://krstofer.org/sesamestreetthanksgiving.jpg)
(http://krstofer.org/noah.jpg)
(http://krstofer.org/suck.gif)
(http://krstofer.org/vote.jpg)
(http://krstofer.org/taxeswork.jpg)
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(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v610/d7bleachd7/bkalizee7nm.gif)
Didn't make this, saw it on Fark.com, but it makes be laugh for at least a minute every time I see it.
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v610/d7bleachd7/Lolz.jpg)
Made this one myself, if your a law student, or ever have been one. I swear its really funny! (Also that is my cat.)
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(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v471/WipeOut916/289.jpg)
haha... that is the greatest sign ever!! i want one!!
So do I!!!
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(http://www.acc.umu.se/~zqad/cats/1161383863-1153692674158.jpg)
(http://www.roflcat.com/images/cats/270907174_8684c20b94.jpg)
(http://www.acc.umu.se/~zqad/cats/1164692176-baseops.jpg)
(http://www.acc.umu.se/~zqad/cats/1171307898-303798356_b7de30d2d9.jpg)
(http://www.acc.umu.se/~zqad/cats/1161476974-1161456497317.jpg)
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[attachment=102:Hallowee...ackround.JPG]
click on it to enlarge
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(http://i202.photobucket.com/albums/aa33/IronSoldier820/CommissionedCane.jpg)
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(http://photos-b.ak.facebook.com/photos-ak-sf2p/v135/200/6/304701969/n304701969_1045817_1588.jpg)
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(http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c153/lexynia/Random/kerry_surrender_flag.jpg)
(http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c153/lexynia/Random/bush_dude.jpg)
(http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c153/lexynia/Random/frutoproibidont4.jpg)
(http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c153/lexynia/Random/a103_a6.jpg)
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(http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c153/lexynia/Random/787792485_0a717c89c1.jpg)
(http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c153/lexynia/Random/525puzd.jpg)
(http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c153/lexynia/Random/a81_g2.jpg)
(http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c153/lexynia/Random/2001831402082718835_rs.jpg)
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Azural...
(http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c153/lexynia/Random/emcimajv4.jpg)
(http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c153/lexynia/Random/funny-baby.jpg)
(http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c153/lexynia/Random/Proof_of_global_warming.jpg)
(http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c153/lexynia/Random/bush_gulfwars2.jpg)
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(http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c153/lexynia/Random/kerry_wafflehouse.jpg)
(http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c153/lexynia/Random/clinton_arkansasquarter.jpg)
(http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c153/lexynia/Random/bush_tonicesanta.jpg)
(http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c153/lexynia/Random/bush_bj.jpg)
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(http://images.despair.com/products/demotivators/pessimism.jpg)
(http://images.despair.com/products/demotivators/inspiration.jpg)
(http://images.despair.com/products/demotivators/sacrificet.jpg)
(http://images.despair.com/products/demotivators/stupidity.jpg)
(http://images.despair.com/products/demotivators/tradition.jpg)
(http://images.despair.com/products/demotivators/wishes.jpg)
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(http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c153/lexynia/Random/Cool_Cakesized.jpg)
(http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c153/lexynia/Random/fighting-machine.jpg)
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the cake was made by charm city cakes i bet, looks like their fondant work
(http://i178.photobucket.com/albums/w257/vectorawards/n841755135_1285747_541.jpg)
(http://i178.photobucket.com/albums/w257/vectorawards/n841755135_1285626_1836.jpg)
(http://i178.photobucket.com/albums/w257/vectorawards/n501264222_56503_6735.jpg)
(http://i178.photobucket.com/albums/w257/vectorawards/n501264222_56498_9924.jpg)
(http://i178.photobucket.com/albums/w257/vectorawards/n164901898_30392294_9319.jpg)
(http://i178.photobucket.com/albums/w257/vectorawards/n164901898_30392292_8591.jpg)
(http://i178.photobucket.com/albums/w257/vectorawards/n195800747_30106636_9671.jpg)
(http://i178.photobucket.com/albums/w257/vectorawards/imafraidyoullfind.jpg)
(http://i178.photobucket.com/albums/w257/vectorawards/geico.jpg)
(http://i178.photobucket.com/albums/w257/vectorawards/128345359563750000.jpg)
(http://i178.photobucket.com/albums/w257/vectorawards/128345336455000000hesuspectsno.jpg)
(http://i178.photobucket.com/albums/w257/vectorawards/128343548295781250.jpg)
(http://i178.photobucket.com/albums/w257/vectorawards/128343407048906250traffiklight.jpg)
(http://i178.photobucket.com/albums/w257/vectorawards/128342170733281250inflightmeal.jpg)
(http://i178.photobucket.com/albums/w257/vectorawards/128341845642968750spartanstoni.jpg)
(http://i178.photobucket.com/albums/w257/vectorawards/128341198323593750Ishallcallhim.jpg)
(http://i178.photobucket.com/albums/w257/vectorawards/128341086610156250Isawzacarrot.jpg)
(http://i178.photobucket.com/albums/w257/vectorawards/128340989882968750ceilingcatar.jpg)
(http://i178.photobucket.com/albums/w257/vectorawards/128340601289062500leavebritney.jpg)
(http://i178.photobucket.com/albums/w257/vectorawards/128340228652187500thebosswunts.jpg)
(http://i178.photobucket.com/albums/w257/vectorawards/128340222627812500battlesuitengag.jpg)
(http://i178.photobucket.com/albums/w257/vectorawards/128340036500468750icanhassush.jpg)
(http://i178.photobucket.com/albums/w257/vectorawards/128339935253125000.jpg)
(http://i178.photobucket.com/albums/w257/vectorawards/128298583190782500copycat.jpg)
(http://i178.photobucket.com/albums/w257/vectorawards/128297925696563750tehcloningmach.jpg)
(http://i178.photobucket.com/albums/w257/vectorawards/128297246539688750andthetrogdor.jpg)
(http://i178.photobucket.com/albums/w257/vectorawards/1161383863-1153692674158.jpg)
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(http://i236.photobucket.com/albums/ff76/untelligent/mcd.png)
(http://i236.photobucket.com/albums/ff76/untelligent/cookie.png)
(http://i236.photobucket.com/albums/ff76/untelligent/god.png)
(http://i236.photobucket.com/albums/ff76/untelligent/BSOD.png)
(http://i236.photobucket.com/albums/ff76/untelligent/time.png)
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lol. Did you get some of those from Caturday??
Talk121 - Steaming HOT live chat with local singles. 60 minutes free talk time!
WOMENS JOKES
"The good wife's guide" This is an actual article from the Housekeeping Monthly Magazine 13 May 1955
Ø Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.
Ø Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
Ø Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
Ø Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.
Ø Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. and then tables.
Ø Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
Ø Prepare the childrens. Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.
Ø Be happy to see him.
Ø Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
Ø Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first-remember his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
Ø Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.
Ø Your goal: to make sure your home is a place of peace, order, and tranquility where your husband can renew himself.
Ø Don’t greet him with complaints and problems.
Ø Don’t complain if he’s late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as a minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.
Ø Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
Ø Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in low, soothing and pleasant voice.
Ø Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.
Ø A good wife always knows her place.
-
(http://i20.tinypic.com/2qwfm13.jpg)
-
What do you call death by pig stampede?
Sooey-cide!
-
<JBurna> lol you got free AOL knowin AOL sucks ass
<Demi> Its
<Demi> Free.
<@Prowler> So is gum on the bottom of chairs.
<Peter> My brother got a $1500 car deck for $6.58 today.
<kaliyama> Was that the cost of the crowbar and ski mask?
<ANDYHAZARD> i need a file
<kenners> you misspelled "life"
<B-Love>: Where the shit did all the forks go?
<Fect>: I ate them.
<B-Love>: Why the shit did you eat a fork?
<Fect>: What, you've never had the urge to eat plastic-ware?
<B-Love>: YES, BUT I DON'T EAT THE LAST ONE!
<savage> Comic convention all day tomorrow, then off to a role playing (paper & pencil) convention for the remainder of the weekend :-)
<marv> role-playing a pencil sounds like it could get boring after a few days
<Ixnorp[Regenerating]> I think I've found an excellent unit of size measurement. It's the 'I could kill you and hide your body in it' unit. People usually become very quiet after you say, "yea, I could kill you and 3 other people and hide the bodies in this"
<Jonno> What's the difference between regular garlic and roasted garlic?
<Arclight> A gypsy once told me it was the roasting, but you shouldn't trust the gypsies
<Greggorian> is it a big book?
<Jakeb> take your hand and make a tight fist
<Jakeb> now move it up till it's a foot in front of your face
<Jakeb> now hit yourself in the face as hard as you can
<Jakeb> that's what if would feel like if i hit you in the face with that book, cause it's pretty big
[@|Asriel] I just got a crazy telemarket call
[@|Asriel] an autoglass repair shop, asking if we had any damaged auto glass we'd like a free quote on
[@|Asriel] I wondered if that was a variant on "is your refrigerator running"
[@|Asriel] if I had broken glass, I'd do something about it
[@Mono] lol
[@|Asriel] not sit around hoping someone will call me up
[@|Asriel] 911 doesnt call you up randomly "We were wondering if anybody happens to be dying, trapped, giving birth, or breaking into your home at the moment"
[@|Asriel] "I'm so glad you called, there's a guy holding a gun to my face"
<daMehTognoM> Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize that I could be eating a slow learner.
Quit: (+[WG]sPiKie) (Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)^2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x].)
<xchlathx> "Dumbledore returns from the dead and declares it to be hammertime, Harry proceeds to break it down, Voldemort is unable to touch this."
<Gerard> Damn bitch fuck damn.
<Tom> PG-13 Gerard
<Gerard> Dang gosh golly dang
<Berzerker> we had a blackout in our neighborhood the other day, until the cops came and took him away
<e-shark> so i was in physics today, and my mechanical pencial snapped
<e-shark> my teacher noticed it, and then went on this tangent about how he went through school with one mechanical pencil
<e-shark> and a giant white eraser that was german made, since it was really good at getting rid of mistakes
<e-shark> then my friend states, "yea, those germans are really good at getting rid of big, annoying mistakes."
<SMW> howdy Ian
<SMW> how you doin tonight?
<Ian_Sharpe> same as always
<Ian_Sharpe> still smoking
<Ian_Sharpe> drinking too
<Protector> Seems you have something against internal organs that begin with the letter "L"
<DN-Mark> touch and taste are basically the same
<Jude> Please... I dare you to go squeeze a donut in your fist until you can feel how sugary and sweet it is.
<Jay 2 da K> no ill probably just get it for christmas
<cyberkk21> hah you jesus boy
<Jay 2 da K> what are you getting for ramadan, besides hungry
(Bismarck) Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes!!!!
(Bismarck) France is going to house the new nuclear fusion reactor!
(Bismarck) If it suceeds, cheap long term energy. If it fails, BAM! France is gone!
(Bismarck) It's win win!
Nexion: Dustin is so stupid
Nexion: i told him, there is no real proof of god
Nexion: and he goes there doesn't need to be
Nexion: and i said "well then im god"
Nexion: and he goes "prove it."
Nexion: ...
<veryinky> Personally I'd rather be adopted. Since it would mean that I was picked instead of randomly produced.
<CrazyDe> some dude on ebay is threatening to sue me for copyright infringement
<Guilty> Did you claim to be the Real Slim Shady?
(surfer) we tried to take off a stop sign
(Katriel) what did the sign say?
(surfer) stop
<Wretched> Right now Im having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
<Ouroboros> The large print giveth, and the fine print taketh away.
<HeatDeath> You should take care of your nipples. They may not seem important
now, but when you die, that's where the angels grab you.
<Andrew> woot
<Andrew> I just used my mastercard for the first time
<Andrew> I'm a man now.
<debian_> what u buy
<Andrew> purse
<@Raz> I LIVE ON THE EQUATOR..."JUAN, THE WATER IS STUCK AGAIN"
[blergh`] so i went to this fight and a damn hockey game broke out
<Mike>You don't even know what a foo is
<Chris> of course i do... It's the guy you pity.
(Patrick82): i have multiple personalities
(tkam): the one that tells you to kill yourself obviously isn't getting its fair share of time
<Hendrix> Its fun to go out in the cold weather and watch smokers pass out becuse they dont know when they're done exhaling
<fm> i've had three girls today IM me and tell me that they like me.
<fm> then they said april fools and signed off.
<FL|Work> feck, forgot to pay my stupid tax
<Pi|Mu|Rho> you get taxed on stupid? That's going to be one hefty bill.
<marek> he could fund 3 new hospitals all by himself
*** Joins: homoman (----------)
<eMans> homoman!
<limpBiz> homoman!!
<hexogan> homoman!
<osiris> homomannn!
<tuckawar> homoman!!
*** Quits: homoman (-------------) (jesus u guys are weird)
<hickhut> i have to write a speech on myself tomorrow
<hickhut> so gay
<mrquin27> there is a start
<incarnate> hey cres, I know what you're thinking right now
<incarnate> " "
<cres> i dont get it
<helminthes> i had a vision today of an infomercial where someone goes, "only 29.99??!" and shoots himself
<Lenz> Oh man...
<Lenz> my mom just asked me to rewind the dvd for her
<Merlin> according to Time-Warner, if you channel surf or mute commercial breaks you are a thief
<Merlin> so lemme see, if I download MP3s the RIAA hates me, if I dub a movie off HBO the MPAA hates me, if I skip commercials the TV execs hate me...
<Merlin> am I allowed to store leftover pizza in the fridge and eat it the next day, or will Pizza Hut sue me?
Some quotes from bash.org
Also, from a comedy show we have here (The Chaser's War On Everything):
[a href=\"http://youtube.com/watch?v=kXxwBJoXKVg\" target=\"_blank\"]http://youtube.com/watch?v=kXxwBJoXKVg (http://youtube.com/watch?v=kXxwBJoXKVg)[/a] (funny if you know about that 'where the bloody hell are ya' ad )
[a href=\"http://youtube.com/watch?v=usbNJMUZSwo\" target=\"_blank\"]http://youtube.com/watch?v=usbNJMUZSwo (http://youtube.com/watch?v=usbNJMUZSwo)[/a] The Chaser on The Secret (very Funny)
[a href=\"http://youtube.com/watch?v=8SsFXQ0kmLs\" target=\"_blank\"]http://youtube.com/watch?v=8SsFXQ0kmLs (http://youtube.com/watch?v=8SsFXQ0kmLs)[/a] McDonalds Upsell
[a href=\"http://youtube.com/watch?v=LPV-nX4YWdY\" target=\"_blank\"]http://youtube.com/watch?v=LPV-nX4YWdY (http://youtube.com/watch?v=LPV-nX4YWdY)[/a] Sex Offender Shirt
[a href=\"http://youtube.com/watch?v=RSEULLJUQGg\" target=\"_blank\"]http://youtube.com/watch?v=RSEULLJUQGg (http://youtube.com/watch?v=RSEULLJUQGg)[/a] Porno Scenarios
[a href=\"http://youtube.com/watch?v=YGyH8Kf_0Fg\" target=\"_blank\"]http://youtube.com/watch?v=YGyH8Kf_0Fg (http://youtube.com/watch?v=YGyH8Kf_0Fg)[/a] Wanker Number Plates (Very Funny)
[a href=\"http://youtube.com/watch?v=M1N351vzY-M\" target=\"_blank\"]http://youtube.com/watch?v=M1N351vzY-M (http://youtube.com/watch?v=M1N351vzY-M)[/a] Aussie Landmarks
[a href=\"http://youtube.com/watch?v=Hcrq38EZKT8\" target=\"_blank\"]http://youtube.com/watch?v=Hcrq38EZKT8 (http://youtube.com/watch?v=Hcrq38EZKT8)[/a] What We Have Learned From History
[a href=\"http://youtube.com/watch?v=jfaPY-oq5Jo\" target=\"_blank\"]http://youtube.com/watch?v=jfaPY-oq5Jo (http://youtube.com/watch?v=jfaPY-oq5Jo)[/a] Bed Testing (very funny)
[a href=\"http://youtube.com/watch?v=B0t7IO58Ufs\" target=\"_blank\"]http://youtube.com/watch?v=B0t7IO58Ufs (http://youtube.com/watch?v=B0t7IO58Ufs)[/a] Cheating the System
[a href=\"http://youtube.com/watch?v=orLSPtVYmUQ\" target=\"_blank\"]http://youtube.com/watch?v=orLSPtVYmUQ (http://youtube.com/watch?v=orLSPtVYmUQ)[/a] Tattoo Inspector
Also these have some cool/funny pics:
[a href=\"http://www.frazpc.pl/b/159915\" target=\"_blank\"]http://www.frazpc.pl/b/159915 (http://www.frazpc.pl/b/159915)[/a]
[a href=\"http://www.frazpc.pl/b/183811\" target=\"_blank\"]http://www.frazpc.pl/b/183811 (http://www.frazpc.pl/b/183811)[/a]
[a href=\"http://www.frazpc.pl/b/184355\" target=\"_blank\"]http://www.frazpc.pl/b/184355 (http://www.frazpc.pl/b/184355)[/a]
[a href=\"http://www.frazpc.pl/b/184881\" target=\"_blank\"]http://www.frazpc.pl/b/184881 (http://www.frazpc.pl/b/184881)[/a]
[a href=\"http://www.frazpc.pl/b/186080\" target=\"_blank\"]http://www.frazpc.pl/b/186080 (http://www.frazpc.pl/b/186080)[/a]
[a href=\"http://www.frazpc.pl/b/186519\" target=\"_blank\"]http://www.frazpc.pl/b/186519 (http://www.frazpc.pl/b/186519)[/a]
[a href=\"http://www.frazpc.pl/b/186545\" target=\"_blank\"]http://www.frazpc.pl/b/186545 (http://www.frazpc.pl/b/186545)[/a]
[a href=\"http://www.frazpc.pl/b/189292\" target=\"_blank\"]http://www.frazpc.pl/b/189292 (http://www.frazpc.pl/b/189292)[/a]
[a href=\"http://www.frazpc.pl/b/190391\" target=\"_blank\"]http://www.frazpc.pl/b/190391 (http://www.frazpc.pl/b/190391)[/a]
[a href=\"http://www.frazpc.pl/b/191654\" target=\"_blank\"]http://www.frazpc.pl/b/191654 (http://www.frazpc.pl/b/191654)[/a]
[a href=\"http://www.frazpc.pl/b/196132\" target=\"_blank\"]http://www.frazpc.pl/b/196132 (http://www.frazpc.pl/b/196132)[/a]
[a href=\"http://www.frazpc.pl/b/196623\" target=\"_blank\"]http://www.frazpc.pl/b/196623 (http://www.frazpc.pl/b/196623)[/a]
Enjoy!
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(http://img166.imageshack.us/img166/4240/1192294114890pg2.jpg)
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http://i89.photobucket.com/albums/k204/ice.../tarp-30198.jpg (http://i89.photobucket.com/albums/k204/iceman6387/tarp-30198.jpg)
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This one pwns (http://dear.viewer.you.just.got.owned.justgotowned.com/)
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(http://i236.photobucket.com/albums/ff76/untelligent/donut.jpg)
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(http://img206.imageshack.us/img206/6488/image2c92984uu2.jpg)
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(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v610/d7bleachd7/Lolz.jpg)
I need to get me one of them
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3JeLcP7Xa5o (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3JeLcP7Xa5o)
Also:
(http://img291.imageshack.us/img291/16/stick1nh9.jpg)
(http://img179.imageshack.us/img179/8426/stick2hp7.jpg)
(http://img157.imageshack.us/img157/1047/stick3qv4.jpg)
(http://img237.imageshack.us/img237/4470/stick5px8.jpg)
(http://img241.imageshack.us/img241/4456/stick6nr3.jpg)
(http://img149.imageshack.us/img149/9011/stick7us7.jpg)
(http://img242.imageshack.us/img242/4168/stick8eq6.jpg)
(http://img169.imageshack.us/img169/4308/stick10nt1.jpg)
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(http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c153/lexynia/Random/384795115_3524216e65_o.gif)
(http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c153/lexynia/Random/1181349889433ov4.jpg)
(http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c153/lexynia/Random/nazismotivatorhi6.jpg)
(http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c153/lexynia/Random/poster22321328rc0fq0.jpg)
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(http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c153/lexynia/Random/lolcat.gif)
(http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c153/lexynia/Random/goeringto6.jpg)
(http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c153/lexynia/Random/apr11gal41.jpg)
(http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c153/lexynia/Random/Bulldog20in20a20bikini_20One20doesn.jpg)
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(http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c153/lexynia/Random/funny-pictures-dancing-cat.jpg)
(http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c153/lexynia/Random/010rm7.jpg)
(http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c153/lexynia/Random/1174329819-408402769_2d78aaa958b.jpg)
(http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c153/lexynia/Random/harry_potter.jpg)
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(http://www.comics.com/comics/getfuzzy/archive/images/getfuzzy2007113333109.gif)
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(http://www.arcamax.com/newspics/4/425/42585.gif)
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(http://i175.photobucket.com/albums/w157/Rebeloneil/ManBearPig.jpg)
(http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Hanes-Introduces-C.jpg)
(http://www.seriouswheels.com/pics-1980-1989/1986-Ford-WOW-Bus-FA-1280x960.jpg)
(http://www.oreillynet.com/mac/blog/images/mousemouse.jpg)
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(http://oviedos.com.mx/data/phoo/2006_03_17/No_Spam_matas_gatos.jpg)
(http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a196/BoddahBuddah/kittinkillsaretard.jpg)
(http://jumi.lut.fi/~japalvia/pics/retard.gif)
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(http://www.bofunk.com/photoalbum/20.jpg)
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(http://i204.photobucket.com/albums/bb43/eladabbub/ugly-alan.jpg)
(http://i204.photobucket.com/albums/bb43/eladabbub/ugly_dog2.jpg)
(http://i204.photobucket.com/albums/bb43/eladabbub/untitled-1.jpg)
(http://i204.photobucket.com/albums/bb43/eladabbub/ugly.jpg)
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i belive the dog is the dog that won the world uglyest dog compition then died a few years ago
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(http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2004-9/840501/holy_shit.jpg)
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OhBuhnanerz
wants me
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OhBuhnanerz
wants me
How Is that a funny joke or pic?
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its funny to me
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That Doesn't count
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What's the difference between a wood tick and a lawyer?
A wood tick falls off when you die.
What do you have when you've got six lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?
Not enough sand.
How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
Depends on how thin you slice them.
How was copper wire invented?
Two lawyers were arguing over a penny.
"Are you a lawyer?"
"Yes"
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars for four questions."
"Isn't that expensive?"
"Yes. What's your fourth question?"
Jesus and Satan were at their computers, writing reports and doing spreadsheets, and suddenly lightning flashed and thunder rolled, the power went off. And when it came back on, Satan bowed his head and wept, because he'd lost everything, but Jesus had no problem because Jesus saves.
We know Jesus was Jewish because he went into his father's business, he lived at home until he was 33, and his mother thought he was God. On the other hand, he could've been Irish, because he never got married, never held a steady job, and his last request was for something to drink. On the other hand, he had a Puerto Rican name.
So Moses was talking with God, and Moses said, "Wait a minute. Let me get this straight. They get to keep the oil, and we have to cut off the tip of our what?
God calls up the pope:
"Popey, we got some good news and bad news. The good news is that I have decided there will be one church, one religion. There will be no more confusion."
"That's wonderful. What's the bad news?"
"I'm calling from Mecca."
The last words spoken at the Last Supper:
"Everyone who wants to be in the picture, get on this side of the table."
So Tommy goes into a confessional and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
"Who was the woman you were with?"
"I cannot tell you, Father, for I do not wish to ruin her reputation."
"Was it Brenda?"
"No, father."
"Was it Fiona?"
"No, father."
"Was it Ann?"
"No, father."
"Very well, Tommy. Go say five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys."
Tommy goes back to his pew, and his buddy Sean asks, "What happened?"
"I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys, and three good leads."
What goes CLOP CLOP CLOP BANG BANG CLOP CLOP CLOP?
An Amish drive-by shooting.
666: the number of the Beast.
668: the next-door neighbor of the Beast.
666.00000: the high-precision Beast.
.666: the Millibeast.
1-900-666-6666: the phone number of the Beast.
$665.95: the retail price of the Beast.
$699.25: with 5% sales tax.
$769.95: with all accessories.
Yo' mama so fat, she eats Wheat Thicks.
Yo' mama so fat, she left the house in high heels and came back in flip-flops.
Yo' mama so fat, when she was walking down the street and I swerved to miss her, I ran out of gas.
Yo' mama so stupid, she bought a solar-powered flashlight.
Yo' mama so ugly, gravity ain't attracted to her.
Why did the dead baby cross the road?
Because it was stapled to the chicken.
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(http://www.pbfcomics.com/archive_b/PBF238-Capital_Punishment.jpg)
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The Polite way to Pee
During one of her daily classes, a teacher, trying to teach good
manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date< /FONT> having dinner with a nice young
lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"
Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.
I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word 'bathroom'
at the dinner table.
And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your
good manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to
shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, to whom I hope to introduce
to you after dinner."
The teacher fainted
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(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v117/Kirby07/Randomness/ththeeditedsaveprivaten00blet5ac.gif)
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v117/Kirby07/Randomness/127.jpg)
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v117/Kirby07/Randomness/InternetSoldier.jpg)
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(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v117/Kirby07/Randomness/lawl.jpg)
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v117/Kirby07/Randomness/66415e0d.gif)
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v117/Kirby07/Randomness/bush_internets.jpg)
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v117/Kirby07/Randomness/wtfhax24bk.jpg)
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A kid has a *lot* of homework one night. Instead of doing the hard working, college try, conventional way, he goes to his ADHD friend Dannyy. Getting a Ritalin from him, he goes home. He figures he'll just watch TV till 8 then start. Well, he does (Malcolm in the Middle sucked that night) and then he figured he'd go until 8:30 to catch South Park (which rocked.). Well, he takes the Ritalin and feels...smart. And focus. Really.rEALLY. REALLY, really focused. Then he gets the dictionary. After that, he makes flashcards for the letters A-D and crashes, having done nothing.
Really story. But damn, it's tough as hell to tell an anecdote online.. >_>
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(http://www.brainworker.ch/Irak/BushWhatWhen.jpg)
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[attachment=159:Awesome.jpg]
[attachment=160:Disarmament.jpg]
[attachment=161:Fair_Play.jpg]
[attachment=162:France.jpg]
[attachment=163:Halfings.jpg]
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(http://www.wayodd.com/funny-pictures2/funny-pictures-shark-cat-0YB.jpg)
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The shark-cat reminds me of a CN friend.
(http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c153/lexynia/Random/Graphs.jpg)
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You took a pic of your bathroom? XD
(http://www.headshop-bongs.de/images/jointcat.jpg)
The blue writing says: "Oh shit, they got me!"
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(http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2007/10/lolcat-funny-picture-found-pills-ate-eat.jpg)
(http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2007/10/funny-picture-lolcats-u-haz-no-girlfriend.jpg)
(http://www.freefever.com/myspace/christmas/funnypictures/funny3.jpg)
(http://www.timemachinego.com/linkmachinego/images2/2007/endcat.jpg)
(http://cats2100.tripod.com/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderpictures/.pond/sunna_funny_cat.jpg.w300h267.jpg)
(http://radio.weblogs.com/0107064/MyImages/funny_cats_3.jpg)
(http://www.funnypicturesofcats.info/wp-content/uploads/2007/07/funny-pictures-of-cats-dot-info-032.jpg)
(http://blogs.venturacountystar.com/vcs/dennert/archives/safetycat.jpg)
(http://www.mycatissilly.com/media/2/20070702-104578.jpg)
(http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y173/TheWolfkings/funny_cat_pictures_12.jpg)
(http://www.news.com/i/bto/20070731/going-to-chambr-of-sekrets.jpg)
(http://peter.stillhq.com/jasmine/catblog/icanhascheezburger.jpg)
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(http://althras.files.wordpress.com/2007/06/lolcats2.jpg)
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(http://img257.echo.cx/img257/976/ohsnap0fq.gif)
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Not this again....
(http://thenproject.com/photos/rl_pikachu.jpg)
^^A real Pikachu^^
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[attachment=185:fail.jpg][attachment=188:lolz_you_fail.jpg][attachment=187:legok
itty.jpg]
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Some contributions from me:
(http://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g192/Destructiox/newyorklegalizescannabis4dlrf5.jpg)
(http://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g192/Destructiox/1199413192689.jpg)
(http://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g192/Destructiox/fverydifficultsoccer337xw7.jpg)
(http://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g192/Destructiox/pacmanchartqh2.jpg)
(http://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g192/Destructiox/DividedByZero-1.jpg)
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(http://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g192/Destructiox/1162632526509cl2.jpg)
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A whole bunch of jokes I found today, avoiding essays. Warning - some of these may offend Very Happy
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A man sitting at a bar sighs.
The bartender asked what's wrong.
The man replied, "There I was on my way to work ... Getting into a fight was the farthest thing from my mind ... Wasn't even on the horizon ... I was in a great mood ... And then ... I rear-ended a car.
So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car.. (and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny)?
Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it .. He was a DWARF!
He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"
So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?"
. . . And that's when the fight started . ."
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One night when I was spending some quality time with my girlfriend, she turns round to me and says:
"Jimmy, we're at a crossroads in our relationship. Down one road is hard work, commitment, but ultimately, happiness. And the other road, well, down the other road is a dead end."
And I said to her:
"That's not a crossroads, that's a T-junction."
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A new bar has opened in town at the top floor of a skyscraper. It boasts the most wonderful views of the cityscape from the balcony.
One evening, as a heavy fog rolls in, two patrons are enjoying their lagers as they look out over the edge.
"Thick fog."
"Yup."
"I can barely see a thing below us."
"Mmm."
"You know, I reckon this fog is so thick, that if I were to jump off this skyscraper, I'd fall to the ground and bounce right back up."
"Oh, oxshit!" says the second patron. "You wouldn't!"
"Alright!" says the first, and sure enough jumps off the edge, falls to the ground and bounces right back up, landing on his feet.
"That's amazing!" utters the gobsmacked second patron, "Do it again!"
And sure enough the first man jumps off the edge, falls to the ground and bounces right back up, landing on his feet.
"Do you think it'll work for me?" asks the second man.
"Of course!" says the first.
So the second man jumps off the edge, falls to the ground and splatters into a thick paste on the pavement.
A third man walks out on to the balcony and says to the first:
"You know, you can be a real bastard when you're pissed, Superman."
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A first-grade teacher, Miss Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Miss Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Miss Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.
She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
Principal: "Who was the first President of the United States?"
Harry: "George Washington."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looked at Miss Brooks and told her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Miss Brooks said to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.
Miss Brooks asked, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment, said, "Legs."
Miss Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered why would she ask such a question.
Harry: "Pockets."
Miss Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Miss Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Miss Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Miss Brooks: "What does a man do standing up that a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Miss Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F', ends with a 'K', and means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the 5th grade. I got the last seven questions wrong."
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A Cop pulled a car over for speeding.
When the Cop asked the driver why he was traveling 95mph, the driver answered that he was a juggler on his way to do a show for a birthday party and didn't want to be late.
The Cop told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.
The driver told the Cop that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The Cop told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car, and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler stated that he could, so the Cop got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car.
A drunk got out, watched the performance briefly, went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.
The Cop observed him doing this, and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "You might as well haul my ass to jail, cause there's NO WAY I’ll pass that test."
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Two Jewish children are sitting on top of a roof near a chimney. A passer-by asks, 'What are you doing there?'
'We are waiting for our parents.'
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A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped
him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly
hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large
plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still
shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize
a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my
first day driving a cab...................
I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.'
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Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouleh and a pint of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. And they start reminiscing.
"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now. "Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully. "He's a martyr now though" mum confides. "Oh dear, so sad, " says the other.
And this is my second son Khalid. He would be 21." "Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born". "He's a martyr too" says mum quietly." Oh, gracious me ...." Says the other.
"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18. "Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school".
He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes. After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says...
"They do blow up fast, don't they?"
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Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
'Brenda, may I come in?' he asks. 'I've somethin' to tell ya'.
' Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?'
' That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda.' There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery...'
' Oh, God no!' cries Brenda. 'Please don't tell me.'
' I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. 'How did it happen, Tim?'
' It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.'
' Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?'
'Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.'
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Q. How many Communists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. None: it contains the seeds of its own revolution.
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Q. How many Neo-Cons does it take to change a lightbulb.
A. None: the lightbulb is doing a fantastic job under very difficult conditions and the suggestions that it's broken are just defeatist propaganda spread by the liberal media. Why do you hate freedom?
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Whats the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang a picture.
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Christ walks into an inn. He hands the innkeeper three nails and asks him "Can you put me up for the night?"
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2 Elderly Jewish gentlemen are sitting on a hill talking about their sons.
"You know," says one, "I had a good boy. He did all the good Jewish things. He went to temple every week, married a good Jewish girl, never ate pork. You know what he did? He went and became a Christian."
The other nods and says "I know just what you mean. I too had a good Jewish Boy. Wore his yamulka, read his Torah, kept kosher, but you know what he did? He up and became a Christian."
Then suddenly the clouds part and a beam of sunlight pours down on them and a booming voice from the Heavens says "I know just what you mean..."
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A young man has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money to go to the motorcycle dealer. After picking out the perfect bike the dealer asks if he would like extra chrome protection added to the bill. The young man is upset because he cannot afford that and is now afraid that the chrome will rust as soon as it gets wet. The dealer tells him not to worry, that there is an old biker trick which will keep the chrome like new. All he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put in on the chrome before it rains. The young man happily pays for the bike and leaves.
A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set.
At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents' house. Before they go in she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes. After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and kiss the woman in front of her family.
And no one says a word...!!!
Next he decides to take a more direct approach so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone.
And no one says a word...!!!!
Now is he getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on her table. They have even wilder sex. And no one says a word...!!!!
By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out his Vaseline.
And the father says, "Okay dammit I'll do the dishes!"
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Three cowboys, one from Montana, one from New Mexico, and one form Texas are sitting around a campfire one night. The New Mexican was telling a story about stopping a stampede, by grabbing the lead ox and wrestling it to the ground.
Not to be out-done, the Montanan told about the time he trod on a rattlesnake, reached down picked it up, bit off its head and made a hat-band out of it.
The Texan, sat quietly, not bragging at all, slowly stirring the campfires coals.
With his penis.
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What's the difference between a porcupine and a Hummer?
On a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside.
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Two vultures board an airplane, each is carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
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A penguin walks into a bar and asks the barman, "Has my brother been in here today?"
"I don't know, what does he look like?" replies the barman.
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A penguin brings his car into the dealership for repairs because it's leaking oil horribly. The service writer tells him it'll be awhile before the mechanic can come back with a diagnosis, and that he should head across the street to the icr cream parlor to wait.
So the penguin goes to the ice cream parlor and has a cone, then returns to the dealership.
The service writer explains "Well, it looks like you blew a seal."
"No!" says the penguin, wiping his beak. "That's just ice cream."
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It's the first day of kindergarten, and the teacher decides to do taste association. 'I'll blindfold you and give you a lifesaver, and you tell me what flavour it is,' she tells the children. So she gives them all a cherry flavor, and says, 'What flavour is that?'
The whole class answers 'Mmmm, that's cherry.'
'Very good,' the teacher replies. So she gives them all a grape and they reply, 'Mmm, that's grape.'
'Very good,' she says again.
Then she gives them all a honey flavour. The whole class sits perplexed by the strange taste, so the teacher says 'OK, I'll give you a hint, it's something your parents might call each other.'
Billy spits his out on the floor and yells, 'Spit 'em out everyone, they're ASSHOLES!'
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This guy walks in to a bar. The very first thing he notices is a large jar filled with dollar coins. The man asks the bartender, "What's this jar here for?" the bartender replies,"I'f you put a dollar in I'll tell you." The man puts a dollar in and the bartender says "There is a donkey out the back, he's been crying since the day we bought him. I'f you can stop him from crying you get all the money in the jar." The man goes out the back and comes back only seconds later and the donkey is laughing. The bartender asks "How the hell did you do it?" The man replies "Secret." takes the money and leaves.
Two years later the man comes back and sees the dollar jar full again. He puts a dollar in and asks "Stop the donkey from laughing?". The bartender says "I'f you think you can?". The man goes out the back and again seconds later the donkey is crying. The man comes out and takes the money. "I've got to know how you do it." the bartender says. The man replies "Well the first time I told him my dick's bigger than his and the second time I showed him."
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A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund started chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovered that he was lost.
So, wandering about, he noticed a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dachshund thought, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!"
Then, he noticed close by some bones on the ground and immediately settled down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard was about to leap, the dachshund exclaimed loudly, "Boy! That was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the leopard halted his attack in mid-stride, and with a look of terror slunk away into the trees. "Whew," said the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figured he could put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he went. But the dachshund happened to spy him heading after the leopard with great speed. The monkey soon caught up with the leopard, spilled the beans and struck a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard was furious at being made a fool of and said, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
Soon the dachshund saw the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and he thought, "What am I going to do now?"
But instead of running, the dog sat down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hadn't seen them yet... and just when they got close enough to hear the dachshund, he said: "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."
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A man inherited a parrot. At first he thought this was a good thing. But the parrot would do nothing but swear. It's language offended hardened sailors.
On the first day the man played the parrot soothing music and put its condition down to the stress of moving. On the second day he tried witty put downs. On the third day he ignored it. Nothing worked, the parrot still let forth a torrent of blue words.
On the fourth day he snapped and after a particularly creative insult involving his mother, a goat and the local vicar the man grabbed the parrot and thrust him into the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot continued unabated. Then everything went quiet. The man, worried that he had killed the parrot, took a peek into the freezer. The parrot hopped out and was strangely silent and then said:
"I am most terribly sorry, old chap, if I in any way offended you earlier with my choice language....could I just ask......what did the chicken do?"
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"Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of home".
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Its not unusual…"
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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
A strong currant pulled him in.
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A guy with a black eye sits down next to another guy on an airplane, then notices that the other guy has a black eye as well.
"How did you get your black eye?" he says.
"I was purchasing my plane tickets and the lady at the desk was extremely well endowed so I accidentally asked for two pickets to titsburgh. She punched me in the eye."
The first guys says, "that's funny! That's almost the same way it happened to me. My wife and I were sitting at the breakfast table and I meant to ask her to pass the milk but I accidentally said 'you fuckin bitch, you ruined my life!'"
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A man goes to see his doctor because he's having trouble with his hearing.
"What are the symptoms?" asks the doctor.
"They're a yellow cartoon family." says the man.
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A coach full of nuns go over a cliff and they all die. They find themselves in a queue outside the Pearly Gates. St Peter suddenly appears and approaches the nun at the head of the queue and says "Sister before I can let you into Heaven you have to answer one question. Have you ever touched a mans penis?"
The nun blushes and admits to having once touched the end of a man's penis with the tip of her finger.
St Peter smiles and tells the nun to dip the offending finger into a nearby font of holy water and pass on into Heaven.
St Peter then turns to the next nun in the queue and asks the same question. "Sister before I can allow you into Heaven you must answer one question, have you ever touched a man's penis?"
The nun blushes and admits to having once held a man's penis in the palm of her hand.
St Peter smiles and tells the nun to dip the offending hand into the nearby font of holy water and to pass on into Heaven.
At that moment there is a commotion at the back of the queue and a nun is seen sprinting from the back of the queue all the way to the front. St Peter looks perplexed and asks the nun what in heaven's name was she up to?
The nun looks at St Peter guiltily and replies " If I've got to gargle with that holy water I want to do it before Sister Mary has to dip her arse in it."
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A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman
beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They
are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as
your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."
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How do you make a clown cry?
Rape his kids!
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A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.
"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking."
Then little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."
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One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home
and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story.
The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer
to tell a story. Suzy said, "Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the
truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday
we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the
road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies,
"Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Next is little Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we
take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only
8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story.
Lucy replies "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane
was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with
only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he
drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of
100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun but ran out of
oxets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on
his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands".
The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any
moral to his story. Billy replies, "Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he's
been drinking."
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A guy is passing a Mental Hospital surrounded by a wall and he hears the chanting inside "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
Curious to see what’s going on he finds a small hole in the wall, so he bends and peeks inside. A finger from inside suddenly pokes him in the eye and as he reels back he hears everyone inside start chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"
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her face even looks like the front of a helicopter... albeit a cute one
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that format is now overused.