Single again.

[Ananegg]

If you were to ask me last week if I was breaking up with you, the answer would have been yes.

For the past week, my mother, grandmother, and I have spent every afternoon and evening cleaning the house. Literally on our hands and knees scrubbing, re-caulking, waxing, washing, vacuuming, dusting, polishing, packing, and painting, all in preparation for yesterday's visit by a real estate agent. I've had absolutely zero time to do anything else but. Between being on my own all last week at work in a brand new job struggling without lunch breaks because my boss went away on vacation and there was no one else to help students, meetings I suddenly had to last-minute go to, working longer hours than usual, and then going home to clean until 10, 11pm at night, I am not only physically drained, but emotionally drained. I'm at wits end, I'm frazzled, and I'm barely thinking straight.

And it's not going to get any better.

The real estate agent wants our entire house packed up. Everything. Posters, pictures, books, video games, video game units, DVDs, CDs... even extra boxes of food have to be packed up and moved out of the house so she can take photos of all the rooms and bring potential buyers through. We have until May 12th. And my parents still haven't decided if they want to sell the house.

Then there's the reality of me losing my job at the end of August... just about the same time I'll need to be moving into an apartment. As it stands, Jeff and I might be moving in with Maggie and Justin. I was able to escape one night and go out to dinner with the two of them to discuss the idea. Justin's 100% for it, as is Maggie. But until I get it in writing, all we have is a fantastic fantasy idea. I've been meeting with people on campus looking for job opportunities, and have meetings scheduled even into next week. I have a resume to get together, jobs to start looking for, and figure out just what the hell I want to do with the rest of my life.

Did I mention that my car's dying and I'll need to get a new one? Where's the money coming from? Haven't a clue. But the car is most likely not going to last until the summer, let alone the fall.

I've got one parent who can't make up her mind and taking all her frustration out on me, another parent who says one thing then does another, and a brother who is fighting everyone every step of the way. I've got apartments to look for and students emailing me at all hours of the night pissed they can't graduate. I've got a boss whose been on vacation who I can't contact for help. I'm working through lunch breaks because students are coming into the office every five minutes demanding to speak with me about their graduation application. And now I've got grandparents and aunts calling me paranoid that after the VT incident, one of my students is going to come into my office and shoot me because he or she can't graduate in May.

And to top it all off, I read how you're complaining no one's calling you, the person you miss the most is your dog, and that you want to move to Florida. Then I give my opinion on how to revive the message board and I'm shot down and told I'm posting in the wrong forum. You're lucky my response was "Ask me if I care" for the first draft of my reply was far, far more colorful.

I received all of your emails, but it's taken me this long to calm down and attempt to think clearly. That's why I've stayed off IM, for I knew if you had IMed me I would have exploded and ended everything, severed all ties with you and not thought twice about it. That's the type of person I am. I have no problems cutting all forms of communication with someone I'm extremely angry at--or angry in the moment at--and not once regretting it. And had you caught me at all last week--even if you called--that's exactly what would have happened.

I'm most likely not going to be on IM anytime soon, and trying to get ahold of me at work is damn near impossible. I'm currently operating on two hours sleep after tossing and turning all night long over everything that still needs to be done to the house, I'm suppose to be here until 3:30, 4:00pm, and it's taken me since 9:00am to write this email for I'm constantly being interrupted by phone calls and walk-in students.

And don't even ask me if we've made plans to visit Disney. Dad's been fighting with Accounting since the end of March trying to get everything straightened out and done. He's currently in Las Vegas for the National Association of Broadcasters convention, and won't be back until Monday. Then it's back to work (the television station was heavily damaged in the heavy rain/wind storm, so that's top priority when he returns) and fighting with Accounting when he's not in NYC or Delaware for meetings. Disney right now is so low on the radar I don't even see it. So I wouldn't get your hopes up that you'll be seeing me in May because without Dad's discounts, there's no way in hell I'd be able to afford it on top of everything else I need to save up for. And you have no idea how much I was looking forward to the trip to escape this hell hole.

Everything has piled up at once, and I'm doing my damnedest to stay afloat. Each day that goes by, it's getting harder and harder. I'm not avoiding you. I'm attempting to stay in one piece.

Jenn

[Ananegg]

I'm sorry that your life is falling apart around you, that you have to move, that your mother is making all your decisions, that you have to find a new job, that you need a new car and that I'm not making things any easier.

I wrote that I missed my dog most because I couldn't bring myself to admit I missed you the most and that if I did post that on there it would upset you, as always, doing what I think won't upset someone is what upsets them. I wrote about not being called or emailed or anything, not because of Justin or Maggie or anyone else, I wrote it because I had only heard from you once in the almost 4 weeks I've been here. I was hurt and upset that I had only talked to my girlfriend once, but I had talked to people like the crazy girl from otakon 3 or 4 times a week. I've been thinking about moving down because I have only one good reason to come home, you. And with the non-existent contact with you, I was starting to think I didn't even have that reason. For the last 2 weeks I've been staying up till 3am hoping that maybe you'd be online or that you'd call me. I think about you more then anyone else. I just couldn't find it in myself to say most of those things to you. I've told before, I am a coward.

The reason for my response to the message board post was because the idea of a website is a sore spot for me, when I asked about it months ago and either got no support or was shot down I put the idea away, never to think of it again. And when you brought it up, well it just got to me.

I understand why you took time to calm down, "ended everything, severed all ties with you and not thought twice about it. That's the type of person I am." I'm the same kind of person and I've done that a few times already, so I've been happy about some I've regretted, some I've wondered why I did not do it sooner.

I am currently racking my brain trying to remember who to get in contact with the person I know at VT.

I have no life here. I come home from work and get on the computer. I spend all of my day off on the computer. I have no friends, no one to talk to. My roommate(the one I share a bedroom with stays up till 6am playing on his laptop, keeping me awake. I'm almost broke because dismay pays me a whole $7.24 an hour. When I come back I have to find a new job because, while I was promised that my current one would be waiting for me, I don't trust my Manager and nether does my Asst. Manager. When I talked to her down here she helped me realize sooner or later my boss will screw me over.

This email made me realize a lot of things I had never even thought of before.

I have been pushed away before by someone I care for when their life was falling apart around them and I don't like it. I'd rather be yelled and screamed at, then have no contact to the point of wondering if that person is even alive.

If you feel you want to break up with me, do so. I'm not going to do it for you.
I hope and pray you get some measure of peace in your life, to try and help with that, I will leave you alone for awhile until you're ready to talk, or not talk if that is the case.
John.

[Ananegg]

I need you to understand something right now, and I'm being dead serious.
 
Right now, I need a break. I'm not breaking up with you. I need a week or so to myself so I can start squaring myself and putting things together.
 
Everything that's going on right now are little things, but when stacked on top of one another, they become huge issues. I spent my entire lunch break in Lydia's office crying hysterically over everything to the point she sent me home early, then came home at sat at the kitchen table with my grandmother and cried all over again.
 
You're saying I'm pushing you away and not telling you what's going on in my life. I know I'm not telling you what's going on; I'm not telling anyone because it's just too, too stressful. Believe me, no one knows what's going on other than my family. And I know if I sit here night after night typing away I'm going to be crying like crazy while my entire family looks on going, "Are you okay?! What's wrong?! Talk to me!!! What's going on!?!?" And every time that happens, I get yelled at for an opinion or told I'm understanding something wrong. And I'm sick of crying. I've had it.
 
I'm not pushing you away. Just... right now I don't want to talk about it until I have time to square myself. Each day seems to be getting worse and worse as far as the stress load. And I'm just going to tonic. Last time I was this stressed out, I kicked a 70 pound tae-bo bag four feet across a gym floor in one kick. It's better I tonic that way than screaming at someone who doesn't deserve it. Right now I've been diving into my stupid KOTOR fan fic, because I'd rather Canderous punch Carth than me say something fueled entirely by anger.
 
I don't mind talking about other things when I get a chance to get online. But I need time to figure out things on my own before I'm ready to talk about the subjects in my original email again.
 
Jenn

[Ananegg]

Now We have a 3 week period were she ignores me.
Then my car accident and a text telling her about it.

[Ananegg]

I just now got your text message. Jeff never bothered to tell me he got the same note until a few minutes ago. Hope everything's okay.
 
Jenn

"is everything ok?"
NO. It's not. Between the car accident(thank god I hit that pole or I'd be dead) Maggie's grandpa, the tornadoes yesterday, the not quite a Hurricane and the Uncontrolled forest fires breathing down my neck, I'm Fine, never better. You?"

[Ananegg]

I do not know what I have done, other than not being online every single night, to deserve this attitude from you. I do not appreciate being yelled at. I do not appreciate being made to feel guilty. I do not appreciate that the last few emails between us you've been attempting to one-up me with how your life is worse off than mine. And I do not appreciate your hostile attitude towards me.

I have just found out that my father has finalized our plans to come down to Disney, but now, after this email, I'm not so sure I want to see you when I'm down there. True, the whole reason for the trip was to spend time together when you could, but if this is what I'm going to be greeted with when I'm down there, then I'm not so sure I want to see you.

I understand that you're homesick and you miss everyone, but that does not give you the right to take out your frustrations on me. I've done nothing to deserve this attitude from you.

Jenn

[Ananegg]

What did you expect from me after ignoring my very existence for 3 weeks? So you haven't been online. Fine, whatever. But you haven't taken the time to call or even text me. How much time of your life would that take? My "Hostile Attitude" is a result of that. You no longer finding the need to have anything to do with me.That and the fact that I had to almost DIE, for you to even remember I exist.

I honestly was under the impression that after you last email and then no contact after I wouldn't see if you came down.

I'm not homesick, I don't miss people anymore. Those that CARE about me have stayed in contact with me, even my boss has talked to me more then twice.

You're foolish to think that after 3 weeks of zero contact from you and a month and a half of only talking twice(Once you with basically yelling at me), anything I said would be happy or cheerful.

John.

P.S. Don't bother trying to call, I lost my cell phone today. If you don't believe me ask Lawrence.

[Ananegg]

Last time I checked, cell phones and emails work both ways.
 
I know I'm not innocent in all of this, but I'm also not as guilty as you're making me out to be. Relationships are two-way streets, not a bragging contest to see whose life is worse. Since neither of us have been holding up our parts very well through this, then clearly it's not working out.
 
I'd still like to be friends. I do like having you around, and I think you're a funny person.  But I have no plans to enter a second relationship with you.
 
Jenn

[Ananegg]

Yes, they do, but when someone says "I need time to think" I usually leave them alone till they talk to me. I was under the idea from your emails to leave you alone till you were ready to talk. I have never intenionaly tired to "one up you" if you thought that, well I'm sorry you were wrong.

I didn't know we weren't in a relationship anymore but ok, I guess I'll send a letter I wrote, It's all my feelings pretty well summed up:

You asked me to give you time. Lawrence, Maggie and Justin told me to give you time. So I did, Three weeks I've waited hoping you say something to me, but no, nothing. Not even a text message saying something as simple as "hi" to let me know I might still have a chance. All you've done is seemingly ignored my very existence. So I will now put into words what you actions have already said. It's over, "We" are over.

 I had thought you would realize after everything I said about how I felt about you, that everyday of these three weeks was like a nail through my heart. Everyday I'd check my phone for a text or a missed call form you. When I got home at night I check my email before even eating hoping there was one from you, instead, nothing. You are now the first girl to truly break my heart. Congratulations.

I really wish I knew what you thought would happen by ignoring me for this long. I sincerely doubt it was this, but that is what is happening.

 I now regret what I did on Oct 31st of last year more then anything else in my life, because maybe if I hadn't I'd still at least have you as a friend.

I hope you have a happy life and you never feel the pain I do now.

[Ananegg]

In Summery, I'm now single. Hit me up ladies(all 4 of you...)

[Taladrea]

DATE ME!!! DATE MEEE!!! *WAVES HANDS IN AIR!!!* ME ME ME ME ME

[Vector]

wait
new girl!!!!!!
*hides*

[Taladrea]

LOL@ Vector hiding

[Shyox]

Damn.

Well, you got the worse end of the stick on this one. But hey, if she's doing a KOTOR fanfic instead of talking to her boyfriend, I wouldn't be too upset by the loss.

Women come and go. Atleast you've managed to HAVE a girlfriend.

[Taladrea]

Its her loss, big time. She'll kick herself later on down the road when she realizes it and its way too late. Oh wait, it already is for her.

[Fake from State Jarm]

for sure homegirl.

[Leo]

Why, llama?

[Fake from State Jarm]

Why, llama?

because; and also, it reminded me of something that happened to me.

[C-zom]

Ananegg was the friggin shit. I miss that guy.

[Leo]

Same here C, but not a good excuse llama.