REPOST OF THE MAROON GUIDE
8 CHAPTERS MISSING.
This may seem to be a little strange to you newbies, as most of this was made and posted in January. =o. For those who were around then, NOSTALGIA FTW
Baron is an actual member, if he still exists, I don't know.
And also note that Baron is an actual user.
Chapter 1: No Team
A bunch of no team nations are seen, frolicking in the fields. The sun has a smiley face on it as they each live peacefully.
A bunch of nations are agreeing on trades and having a reasonable battle of wits when a black van is seen in the distance.
The nations marvel at the black van as it comes closer… closer… closer…
BAM
It hits little Baron, a new nation on the block.
Damen steps out of the van.
Baron: “;____; Why did you have to resort to violence”
Damen calmly walks over to Baron, picks him up, and throws him into the van.
As the other no teams start to gather around, Damen pulls out a handgun
Damen: “BACK YOU FREAKS! I HAVE A GOD DAMN GUN AND DON’T THINK I WON’T USE IT!”
No Team Nation #1: “o_p I say ol’ chap, what be with you taking a mem-“
Damen shot him.
Damen: “OH SHI-”
Damen got in the black van and quickly drove off.
A sign on the back of the van says: “Maroon or Bust”
Chapter 2: Damen and his Black Van of Fun!
Baron: “o_o I’m sorry friend, but I must ask you to take me back if you can…”
Damen: “>_>” *reloads gun*
Baron: “…Where are we headed, anyway?”
Damen: “Maroon, dumbass.”
Baron: “…but… I’m only a no-teamer”
Damen: “We have a lot of work to do”
Baron begins to complain, and Damen drives faster.
The black van suddenly stops in the middle of nowhere, sending Baron flying into the seat due to the sudden stop.
Damen throws Baron out onto the ground..
Damen: >_> You see, you’re gonna Maroon, and you’re gonna like it
Baron: …but…
Damen takes out a bag and a few animals. The animals are: A Wild Cat, A Wild Dog, and A wild cougar.
Damen throws Baron in the bag, and puts the other animals in one-by-one.
Damen then throws the bag in the back of the van.
Damen: YOU’RE GONNA MAROON, AND YOU’RE GONNA LIKE IT, *!%@$
He got in the van and began to drive in the general direction of Maroon. Screams are growls are heard in the back.
Chapter 3: Maroon’s Gate
Damen stops in front of a huge gate, where Smith stands.
Damen pulls out the bag, and opens it as Baron screams and jumps out. The other animals continue to fight.
Baron is badly bruised, and Damen Is surprised he is alive.
Baron: ;_______; Ar..are we t-t-here yet…?
Damen: Are you in a bag with wild animals?
Baron: O_O no…
Damen: Then I guess we’re there, dumbass.
As they walk over to the gate, Smith jumps in front of a lock.
Smith: THOU SHAL NOT PASS
Baron: >_> Well, I guess we have to go back to the no team sect-
Damen: CHESTNUT (in lower case)
The huge gate swings open, and Baron stares in amazement.
Damen: >_> You first.
Baron: …why?
Damen: *is suddenly holding a shotgun* You kinda look like a dog…
Baron: O_O…
Damen: RUN LASSIE, RUN! *begins shooting*
Baron begins to run in. Damen looks to Smith as he keeps changing his name.
“Why is Smith the Maroon team Moderator? BECAUSE WE SAID SO!"
Chapter 4: Spam. Part 1
Damen and Baron walks threw Maroon… no one in sight.
*a bell rings* It sounds kinda like a Church Bell.
Damen: o_o… *checks watch*
Damen slowly begins to walk in the opposite direction as the ground begins shaking.
Baron: What’s happen-…
OVER NINE THOUSAND posts and users are seen running towards them…
Baron: O_O
Damen: SAVE YOURSELF!
Baron begins to run, quickly passing Damen. Damen pulls out his handgun and shoots Baron in the legs.
Damen: ME FIRST! NOW SAVE YOURSELF!
Baron slowly begins to stand upright and begins limping.
Baron: WHAT IS THIS?
Damen: Baron. It’s… IT’S… A SPAM OFF!
As the users/posts get closer, OVER NINE THOUSAND more appear.
Baron is seen falling over and being trampled as Damen starts running over users with his black van.
A being begins to fly into the air, his palm pointing towards the crowd.
He is Basstiat(no, this is not a typo)
Basstiat: WARNED FOR SPAMMING
Everyone: WTF
*posts and users run away*
Baron is seen on the ground, motionless.
Damen: >_> Get up.
Baron doesn’t move.
Damen: *cocks shotgun*
Baron jumps up.
Damen: That’s what I thought.
Chapter 5: Spam. Part 2
Baron: What is Spam?
Damen: Spam? Why, it’s a post that has nothing to do with the topic, and contributes nothing in the hope of gaining user levels, or, as most would say, every post in Maroon.
Baron: Including this one?
Damen: Well, this is supposed to be a guide, but how helpful am I?
Baron: Not very…
*a naked Marooner begins running through topics*
Marooner: I AM IN UR BASE BEIN NEKED
Damen: See?
Baron: O_O MY EYES!
Damen: Yep, that’s pretty common around these parts.
Baron: >_> Can I go back now?
Damen: I still have that bag, you know…
Baron: Nevermind.
Damen: But there is a special user. One who has given himself a title above all others. One who spams every day.
Baron: Zessa?
Damen: *punches in the kidneys* The other one.
Baron: Bernard…?
Damen: *shoots at feet, missing* You call him the pope.
Baron: …why?
Damen: Why?
WHY DO THEY CALL BERNARD THE POPE? HOW DOES BARON SURVIVE ALL THE BRUTALITY? HOW DOES DAMEN KNOW SO MUCH? WILL I EVER GET LAID?
FIND OUT ON THE NEXT THRILLING EPISODE OF: “NOOBS GUIDE TO MAROON!"
Chapter 6: The Pope
Last time on “Noobs Guide to Maroon”…
Baron: >_> I’m pregnant
Damen: dry.gif Sorry about that, the dog was hornier than I thought…
*scene changes to a chase scene*
Damen: DRIVE, *!%@$, DRIVE!
*a car suddenly crashes through a billboard*
Damen: DRIVE YOU MORON!
Baron: WE’RE IN THE AIR
Damen: WHA-
*a car crashes*
*Baron and Damen walk out of the car without a scratch*
*scene changes*
Baron is seen in a field of flowers with a pretty girl. They are holding hands as Baron leans in for his first kiss.
The film begins to skip, and Damen is seen parked on top of where the girl used to be. Baron is crying
Damen: o_o oops…
*back to reality*
Damen: Why? Because he is the leader of popes. The other Popes wish they could be as Pope-like as him. But no, he was decided to be the king pope.
*the pope is seen standing on a pavilion with millions of people around*
Pope: *clears throat* ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?
Baron: @_@ WTF
Damen: Oh if I had a nickel for every time someone said that… But yeah, he is Popey McPope. The Pope to end all Popes.
Baron: >_> So he just said he was a pope and no one complained?
Damen: Pretty much.
Baron: Isn’t the Pope supposed to be a rel-
Damen: Oh look, your kidneys seem to be acting up.
Baron: huh?
Damen: *punches Baron in the kidneys, leading to Baron violently vomiting.* Oh, get up faker.
Chapter 7: Respect Your Elders
Damen and Baron continue their journey through Maroon when they come upon a group of elderly users.
Baron: Who are these users?
Damen: Why, they’re Elders dumbass!
Baron: Elders?
Damen: >_> Basically a bunch of users that have been around for a while.
The Pope is seen spamming. A flurry of old users run through and surrounds the Pope.
As the Pope begins his speech, everyone crowds around.
Damen: You’re about to learn a very valuable lesson.
Damen takes a rock, and throws it at the Pope, knocking him over.
A bunch of old users glare at Damen with evil eyes.
Damen: >_> dry.gif IT WAS HIM! *points to Baron*
Old users: Yeah! It must be him! He’s new therefore he knows NOTHING!
A few hours later, Baron is found in broken bones and scrapes everywhere
Baron: Oh…My…God… My sple-een…
Damen: >_> you shoulda respected your elders.
Baron: BUT YOU THREW THE ROCK!
Damen: e_e I’m an elder to you, and I have a shotgun.
Baron: I mean, I’m sorry sir.
Damen: Now make me a sammich, *!%@$.
Baron: Wh-…
Damen: *cocks shotgun*
Baron: RIGHT AWAY SIR!
Damen: That’s more I like it.
Chapter 8: GWII
Damen: Now time for your war history!
Baron: …
Damen: What?
Baron: Every damn chapter I’m nearly killed, and you don’t think of it as a big thing.
Damen: >_> Well, you’re not too important, see.
Baron: Why not?
Damen: Because you exist.
Baron: But you exist, too!
Damen: no u
*a GWII veteran is in a wheelchair with a glass eye, and missing his legs. He is a LUEser.*
LUEser: @_e Why, the war was completely important…
Baron: What happened?
LUEser: Well, ya see, the GOONS is a bunch of guys who feel threaten by an alliance about 1/10 of their size.
Baron: So they’re a bunch of wusses?
LUEser: >_> Well, if you put it that way… DON’T INTERRUPT ME. Anyway, FARK was a small and peaceful alliance… when GOONS invaded. LUE saw the only sensible action, KILL EM ALL. WE ATTACKED GOONS! WE SHOULDA WON! LEAGUE PULLED OUT! GAH! I NEED MY MEDICATION!
Baron: O_O Dam-
LUEser: I SAID DON’T INTERRUPT. Anyway, League saw. They came. They left. So we were pretty much screwed after that. But we still fought the good fight. Until we lost our mask. Then we were the sad…
Baron: Mask?
Damen: I’ll explain later, dumbass.
Baron: Why do you call me dum-
Damen: Baron, why don’t you give the ol’ guy his medication.
Baron: O-oh kay…
*damen hands Baron a needle*
Damen: Stick it in his neck…
Baron: Bu-
Damen: DO EET
*Baron tries to stick the needle in the old guy’s neck, but the old guy starts movin around, grabs the needle, and slams it into Baron’s leg*
Baron: MY LEG! *falls over*
Damen: lol. I told you it would be funny.
LUEser: *pulls off old guy mask and stands up* lol
Chapter 9: RIA
Damen: I have some good news and some bad news, Baron.
Baron: What's the good news?
Damen: We're leaving Maroon.
Baron: Wha- OH GOD YES! YEAH!
Damen: But we're coming back.
Baron: ;___;
Damen: And we're going to RIA
Baron: >_> Is that the good news or the bad?
Damen: It's the worse news. The RIA is like, the kings of Maroon. Seriously, they're friggin awesome. We're random, insane, and an alliance.
Baron: Oh, I can't wait!
*a few hours later, Baron is found in an alley with his pants pulled down and a 5 in his hand*
Damen: ...Whew. What a party.
Baron: ...what hap-pened?
Damen: Son, you don't want to know. You do not want to know.
Baron: Can we go back to Maroon?
Damen: happy.gif That's the spirit! Less go.
What? You thought I was going to end a chapter without having Baron injured? Pfft...
Damen: We're back, and you don't need to go to the hospital.
Baron: Yea-
*at that second, Smith jumps on him and gives him a surprise inspection by pulling out his intestines*
Baron: *motionless*
Smith: That'll be tree fiddy
Chapter 10: Green
Damen: Time for you to learn of Green!
Baron: But we're in Maroon
Damen: >_> O RLY? I couldn't tell. Anyway, the greens are a bunch of wannabe spammers. That's why we spent about a day getting roughly 1k posts in the maroon forums.
Baron: O_O Why?
Damen: >_> cuz we're awesome.
Baron: Did Green ever fnd out about this.
Damen: find*, and yes. They tried to take back their le-
Baron: ...did you just correct my spelling?
Damen: >_> Yes, why?
Baron: ..aren't we supposed to be talking, but being recorded for the enjoyment of Marooners.
Damen: o_o Oh shi- *pulls out walkie-talkie* CODE RED! CODE RED!
*a black van pulls up, and Shamed and Zessa throw Baron in*
Damen: GOGOGOGOGO
*later that day, Baron walks out of a hospital*
Damen: Ready to go?
Baron: O_O I saw thing...
Damen: >_> Yes... I know...
Baron: ;___;
Damen: Anyway, Green tried to take back their lead and failed. Miserably. We r teh roxorz in ur soxorz. We can't be beat
Baron: What about any of the other teams?
Damen: Well, Aqua beat Brown, but that's another chapter.
Baron: Do any other teams try to spam like Maroon?
Damen: Green does, some of the time. But that's aside the point. Time for a royal smiting!
*everyone gathers round the Pope*
Pope: E_E This infidel was caught in our base, trying to kill our dudes. How do you plead?
Infidel: I blame Ruben.
Pope: *smites*
Baron: O_O OH MY GAWD
Damen: >_> First royal smiting?
Baron: ;____;
Damen: >_> HEY POPE!
Pope: lol, wut
Damen: BARON WANTS TO BE SMITED!
Pope: e_e I don't give out free smitings...
Damen: He called you fat!
Pope: OH THAT LITTLE...
Baron;: OH SHI-
Chapter 11: Gods of Maroon
Now for the long-awaited come back of the guide. You guys waited almost two days for an update
Baron: ...*sigh*...
Damen: What's wrong?
Baron: ...Do you really wanna know?
Damen: No. Now time for your learnings of the Gods of Maroon!
Baron: God?
Damen: *smashes Baron face with a baseball bat* PLURAL! GODS. But yes, gods. The Demi and Semi gods.
Baron: Which one is the higher up?
Damen: >_> As any person with any intelligence would know, Demi gods > Semi gods. But that doesn't mean Semigods aren't awesome.
Baron: ...Are you a demigod?
Damen: *sigh* >_> I'm a semigod, but that doesn't mean that I can't take a pipe to the side of your head.
Baron: And what am I?
Damen: Well, right now you're really annoying. *chuckle*
Baron: No, ser-
Damen: *hits baron in the head with a hot frying pan*
Baron: ;____; WTF
Damen: I chuckled, and you didn't.
Baron: *chuckles nervously*
Damen: That's better.
Baron: Who's all the Demigods?
Damen: >_> Teh Pope, Zessa, Delta, Iron, and-
Baron: Shouldn't there be less?
Damen: Probably. Now, go fetch Lassie. You interrupted me.
Baron: I'm not a dog, and you didn't throw anyt-
Damen: *cocks shotgun* YOU WANNA BE OLD YELLER?
Baron: *runs after imaginary stick*
The hot frying pan is a weapon from Dead Rising, btw
Chapter 12: Smith
Smith is seen flying in Maroon on Christmas
Smith: I BROUGHT YOU GUYS A TARP!
[/flashback]
Damen: happy.gif Now time for you to finally learn about the Maroon team moderator!
Baron: Enforcer?
Damen: E_E YOU DO NOT SPEAK THAT NAME IN MAROON
Baron: ;___; Is that a rule?
Damen: It's rule 5, to be exact.
Baron: There are rules of Maroon? Where are they?
Damen: *points to Damen's head*
Baron: How are they offic-
Damen: What's that? You wanna know more about Smith? Alright then!
Baron: No... I wanted to kn-
Damen: Anyway, Smith is the official maroon team mod. He's like, 1337 with a capital 1.
Baron: 1's a number...
Damen: Exactly. That's how awesome Smith is.
Baron: Why is he awesome though?
Damen: Because you touch yourself at night. In all seriousness, it's because his posts are made of awesome, we have our own religion of Smith, and cause he pins stuff for us. Just to name a FEW reasons.
Baron: So Smith is awesome, because he's awesome?
Damen: Pretty much.
Baron: PARADOX
Damen: You just broke rule 18
Baron: And what rule is that?
Damen: You have to be awesome to use bold and say PARADOX.
Baron: Aren't I awesome?
Damen: You're bout as awesome of that crap I stepped in this morn.
Baron: o_o
Damen: Yes?
Baron: *points to the sky*
*Smith is seen throwing bags of kittens into Maroon from the ROFLcopter*
Smith: CATURDAY, CATURDAY, EVERY DAY IS CATURDAY!
Baron: O_O
Smith: THROWING CATS, THROWING CATS, HIT THEM WITH YOUR BATS!
Baron: O_O
Damen: XD! That's also why Smith is awesome.
Baron: ...How do they survive the fall?
*the cats suddenly leap out of the bags as little parachutes erupt from a bag on their backs*
Damen: Smith wouldn't purposely hurt anything. Unless it's human
Baron: Like you and me?
Damen: Naw, not me. I'm above human. I'm a Semigod now, remember?
Baron: ...what about me?
Damen: HEY SMITH! FRESH BLOOD!
Baron: *runs*
Topic: HOLD THE LIIIIINE (Read 513 times)
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