A whole bunch of jokes I found today, avoiding essays. Warning - some of these may offend Very Happy
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A man sitting at a bar sighs.
The bartender asked what's wrong.
The man replied, "There I was on my way to work ... Getting into a fight was the farthest thing from my mind ... Wasn't even on the horizon ... I was in a great mood ... And then ... I rear-ended a car.
So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car.. (and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny)?
Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it .. He was a DWARF!
He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"
So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?"
. . . And that's when the fight started . ."
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One night when I was spending some quality time with my girlfriend, she turns round to me and says:
"Jimmy, we're at a crossroads in our relationship. Down one road is hard work, commitment, but ultimately, happiness. And the other road, well, down the other road is a dead end."
And I said to her:
"That's not a crossroads, that's a T-junction."
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A new bar has opened in town at the top floor of a skyscraper. It boasts the most wonderful views of the cityscape from the balcony.
One evening, as a heavy fog rolls in, two patrons are enjoying their lagers as they look out over the edge.
"Thick fog."
"Yup."
"I can barely see a thing below us."
"Mmm."
"You know, I reckon this fog is so thick, that if I were to jump off this skyscraper, I'd fall to the ground and bounce right back up."
"Oh, oxshit!" says the second patron. "You wouldn't!"
"Alright!" says the first, and sure enough jumps off the edge, falls to the ground and bounces right back up, landing on his feet.
"That's amazing!" utters the gobsmacked second patron, "Do it again!"
And sure enough the first man jumps off the edge, falls to the ground and bounces right back up, landing on his feet.
"Do you think it'll work for me?" asks the second man.
"Of course!" says the first.
So the second man jumps off the edge, falls to the ground and splatters into a thick paste on the pavement.
A third man walks out on to the balcony and says to the first:
"You know, you can be a real bastard when you're pissed, Superman."
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A first-grade teacher, Miss Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Miss Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Miss Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.
She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
Principal: "Who was the first President of the United States?"
Harry: "George Washington."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looked at Miss Brooks and told her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Miss Brooks said to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.
Miss Brooks asked, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment, said, "Legs."
Miss Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered why would she ask such a question.
Harry: "Pockets."
Miss Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Miss Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Miss Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Miss Brooks: "What does a man do standing up that a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Miss Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F', ends with a 'K', and means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the 5th grade. I got the last seven questions wrong."
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A Cop pulled a car over for speeding.
When the Cop asked the driver why he was traveling 95mph, the driver answered that he was a juggler on his way to do a show for a birthday party and didn't want to be late.
The Cop told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.
The driver told the Cop that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The Cop told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car, and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler stated that he could, so the Cop got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car.
A drunk got out, watched the performance briefly, went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.
The Cop observed him doing this, and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "You might as well haul my ass to jail, cause there's NO WAY I’ll pass that test."
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Two Jewish children are sitting on top of a roof near a chimney. A passer-by asks, 'What are you doing there?'
'We are waiting for our parents.'
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A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped
him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly
hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large
plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still
shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize
a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my
first day driving a cab...................
I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.'
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Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouleh and a pint of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. And they start reminiscing.
"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now. "Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully. "He's a martyr now though" mum confides. "Oh dear, so sad, " says the other.
And this is my second son Khalid. He would be 21." "Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born". "He's a martyr too" says mum quietly." Oh, gracious me ...." Says the other.
"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18. "Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school".
He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes. After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says...
"They do blow up fast, don't they?"
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Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
'Brenda, may I come in?' he asks. 'I've somethin' to tell ya'.
' Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?'
' That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda.' There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery...'
' Oh, God no!' cries Brenda. 'Please don't tell me.'
' I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. 'How did it happen, Tim?'
' It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.'
' Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?'
'Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.'
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Q. How many Communists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. None: it contains the seeds of its own revolution.
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Q. How many Neo-Cons does it take to change a lightbulb.
A. None: the lightbulb is doing a fantastic job under very difficult conditions and the suggestions that it's broken are just defeatist propaganda spread by the liberal media. Why do you hate freedom?
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Whats the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang a picture.
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Christ walks into an inn. He hands the innkeeper three nails and asks him "Can you put me up for the night?"
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2 Elderly Jewish gentlemen are sitting on a hill talking about their sons.
"You know," says one, "I had a good boy. He did all the good Jewish things. He went to temple every week, married a good Jewish girl, never ate pork. You know what he did? He went and became a Christian."
The other nods and says "I know just what you mean. I too had a good Jewish Boy. Wore his yamulka, read his Torah, kept kosher, but you know what he did? He up and became a Christian."
Then suddenly the clouds part and a beam of sunlight pours down on them and a booming voice from the Heavens says "I know just what you mean..."
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A young man has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money to go to the motorcycle dealer. After picking out the perfect bike the dealer asks if he would like extra chrome protection added to the bill. The young man is upset because he cannot afford that and is now afraid that the chrome will rust as soon as it gets wet. The dealer tells him not to worry, that there is an old biker trick which will keep the chrome like new. All he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put in on the chrome before it rains. The young man happily pays for the bike and leaves.
A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set.
At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents' house. Before they go in she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes. After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and kiss the woman in front of her family.
And no one says a word...!!!
Next he decides to take a more direct approach so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone.
And no one says a word...!!!!
Now is he getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on her table. They have even wilder sex. And no one says a word...!!!!
By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out his Vaseline.
And the father says, "Okay dammit I'll do the dishes!"
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Three cowboys, one from Montana, one from New Mexico, and one form Texas are sitting around a campfire one night. The New Mexican was telling a story about stopping a stampede, by grabbing the lead ox and wrestling it to the ground.
Not to be out-done, the Montanan told about the time he trod on a rattlesnake, reached down picked it up, bit off its head and made a hat-band out of it.
The Texan, sat quietly, not bragging at all, slowly stirring the campfires coals.
With his penis.
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What's the difference between a porcupine and a Hummer?
On a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside.
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Two vultures board an airplane, each is carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
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A penguin walks into a bar and asks the barman, "Has my brother been in here today?"
"I don't know, what does he look like?" replies the barman.
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A penguin brings his car into the dealership for repairs because it's leaking oil horribly. The service writer tells him it'll be awhile before the mechanic can come back with a diagnosis, and that he should head across the street to the icr cream parlor to wait.
So the penguin goes to the ice cream parlor and has a cone, then returns to the dealership.
The service writer explains "Well, it looks like you blew a seal."
"No!" says the penguin, wiping his beak. "That's just ice cream."
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It's the first day of kindergarten, and the teacher decides to do taste association. 'I'll blindfold you and give you a lifesaver, and you tell me what flavour it is,' she tells the children. So she gives them all a cherry flavor, and says, 'What flavour is that?'
The whole class answers 'Mmmm, that's cherry.'
'Very good,' the teacher replies. So she gives them all a grape and they reply, 'Mmm, that's grape.'
'Very good,' she says again.
Then she gives them all a honey flavour. The whole class sits perplexed by the strange taste, so the teacher says 'OK, I'll give you a hint, it's something your parents might call each other.'
Billy spits his out on the floor and yells, 'Spit 'em out everyone, they're ASSHOLES!'
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This guy walks in to a bar. The very first thing he notices is a large jar filled with dollar coins. The man asks the bartender, "What's this jar here for?" the bartender replies,"I'f you put a dollar in I'll tell you." The man puts a dollar in and the bartender says "There is a donkey out the back, he's been crying since the day we bought him. I'f you can stop him from crying you get all the money in the jar." The man goes out the back and comes back only seconds later and the donkey is laughing. The bartender asks "How the hell did you do it?" The man replies "Secret." takes the money and leaves.
Two years later the man comes back and sees the dollar jar full again. He puts a dollar in and asks "Stop the donkey from laughing?". The bartender says "I'f you think you can?". The man goes out the back and again seconds later the donkey is crying. The man comes out and takes the money. "I've got to know how you do it." the bartender says. The man replies "Well the first time I told him my dick's bigger than his and the second time I showed him."
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A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund started chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovered that he was lost.
So, wandering about, he noticed a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dachshund thought, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!"
Then, he noticed close by some bones on the ground and immediately settled down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard was about to leap, the dachshund exclaimed loudly, "Boy! That was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the leopard halted his attack in mid-stride, and with a look of terror slunk away into the trees. "Whew," said the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figured he could put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he went. But the dachshund happened to spy him heading after the leopard with great speed. The monkey soon caught up with the leopard, spilled the beans and struck a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard was furious at being made a fool of and said, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
Soon the dachshund saw the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and he thought, "What am I going to do now?"
But instead of running, the dog sat down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hadn't seen them yet... and just when they got close enough to hear the dachshund, he said: "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."
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A man inherited a parrot. At first he thought this was a good thing. But the parrot would do nothing but swear. It's language offended hardened sailors.
On the first day the man played the parrot soothing music and put its condition down to the stress of moving. On the second day he tried witty put downs. On the third day he ignored it. Nothing worked, the parrot still let forth a torrent of blue words.
On the fourth day he snapped and after a particularly creative insult involving his mother, a goat and the local vicar the man grabbed the parrot and thrust him into the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot continued unabated. Then everything went quiet. The man, worried that he had killed the parrot, took a peek into the freezer. The parrot hopped out and was strangely silent and then said:
"I am most terribly sorry, old chap, if I in any way offended you earlier with my choice language....could I just ask......what did the chicken do?"
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"Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of home".
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Its not unusual…"
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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
A strong currant pulled him in.
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A guy with a black eye sits down next to another guy on an airplane, then notices that the other guy has a black eye as well.
"How did you get your black eye?" he says.
"I was purchasing my plane tickets and the lady at the desk was extremely well endowed so I accidentally asked for two pickets to titsburgh. She punched me in the eye."
The first guys says, "that's funny! That's almost the same way it happened to me. My wife and I were sitting at the breakfast table and I meant to ask her to pass the milk but I accidentally said 'you fuckin bitch, you ruined my life!'"
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A man goes to see his doctor because he's having trouble with his hearing.
"What are the symptoms?" asks the doctor.
"They're a yellow cartoon family." says the man.
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A coach full of nuns go over a cliff and they all die. They find themselves in a queue outside the Pearly Gates. St Peter suddenly appears and approaches the nun at the head of the queue and says "Sister before I can let you into Heaven you have to answer one question. Have you ever touched a mans penis?"
The nun blushes and admits to having once touched the end of a man's penis with the tip of her finger.
St Peter smiles and tells the nun to dip the offending finger into a nearby font of holy water and pass on into Heaven.
St Peter then turns to the next nun in the queue and asks the same question. "Sister before I can allow you into Heaven you must answer one question, have you ever touched a man's penis?"
The nun blushes and admits to having once held a man's penis in the palm of her hand.
St Peter smiles and tells the nun to dip the offending hand into the nearby font of holy water and to pass on into Heaven.
At that moment there is a commotion at the back of the queue and a nun is seen sprinting from the back of the queue all the way to the front. St Peter looks perplexed and asks the nun what in heaven's name was she up to?
The nun looks at St Peter guiltily and replies " If I've got to gargle with that holy water I want to do it before Sister Mary has to dip her arse in it."
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A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman
beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They
are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as
your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."
____________
How do you make a clown cry?
Rape his kids!
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A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.
"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking."
Then little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."
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One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home
and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story.
The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer
to tell a story. Suzy said, "Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the
truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday
we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the
road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies,
"Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Next is little Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we
take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only
8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story.
Lucy replies "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane
was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with
only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he
drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of
100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun but ran out of
oxets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on
his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands".
The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any
moral to his story. Billy replies, "Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he's
been drinking."
____________
A guy is passing a Mental Hospital surrounded by a wall and he hears the chanting inside "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
Curious to see what’s going on he finds a small hole in the wall, so he bends and peeks inside. A finger from inside suddenly pokes him in the eye and as he reels back he hears everyone inside start chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"
Topic: The Funny Pic/Joke Thread (Read 14544 times)
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