What's the difference between a wood tick and a lawyer?
A wood tick falls off when you die.
What do you have when you've got six lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?
Not enough sand.
How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
Depends on how thin you slice them.
How was copper wire invented?
Two lawyers were arguing over a penny.
"Are you a lawyer?"
"Yes"
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars for four questions."
"Isn't that expensive?"
"Yes. What's your fourth question?"
Jesus and Satan were at their computers, writing reports and doing spreadsheets, and suddenly lightning flashed and thunder rolled, the power went off. And when it came back on, Satan bowed his head and wept, because he'd lost everything, but Jesus had no problem because Jesus saves.
We know Jesus was Jewish because he went into his father's business, he lived at home until he was 33, and his mother thought he was God. On the other hand, he could've been Irish, because he never got married, never held a steady job, and his last request was for something to drink. On the other hand, he had a Puerto Rican name.
So Moses was talking with God, and Moses said, "Wait a minute. Let me get this straight. They get to keep the oil, and we have to cut off the tip of our what?
God calls up the pope:
"Popey, we got some good news and bad news. The good news is that I have decided there will be one church, one religion. There will be no more confusion."
"That's wonderful. What's the bad news?"
"I'm calling from Mecca."
The last words spoken at the Last Supper:
"Everyone who wants to be in the picture, get on this side of the table."
So Tommy goes into a confessional and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
"Who was the woman you were with?"
"I cannot tell you, Father, for I do not wish to ruin her reputation."
"Was it Brenda?"
"No, father."
"Was it Fiona?"
"No, father."
"Was it Ann?"
"No, father."
"Very well, Tommy. Go say five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys."
Tommy goes back to his pew, and his buddy Sean asks, "What happened?"
"I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys, and three good leads."
What goes CLOP CLOP CLOP BANG BANG CLOP CLOP CLOP?
An Amish drive-by shooting.
666: the number of the Beast.
668: the next-door neighbor of the Beast.
666.00000: the high-precision Beast.
.666: the Millibeast.
1-900-666-6666: the phone number of the Beast.
$665.95: the retail price of the Beast.
$699.25: with 5% sales tax.
$769.95: with all accessories.
Yo' mama so fat, she eats Wheat Thicks.
Yo' mama so fat, she left the house in high heels and came back in flip-flops.
Yo' mama so fat, when she was walking down the street and I swerved to miss her, I ran out of gas.
Yo' mama so stupid, she bought a solar-powered flashlight.
Yo' mama so ugly, gravity ain't attracted to her.
Why did the dead baby cross the road?
Because it was stapled to the chicken.
Topic: The Funny Pic/Joke Thread (Read 14748 times)
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