Whichever suits your fancy. Wait, that's not quite right... Is it? Bah, I can't remember how that stupid phrase went. Choose whichever. Or choose all of them. Maybe don't choose all of them.
[!--quoteo(post=0:date=:name=George Carlin)--][div class=\'quotetop\']QUOTE (George Carlin)[div class=\'quotemain\'][!--quotec--]Imagine meeting your maker and finding out it's Frito-Lay.
If you love someone, set them free; if they comes home, set them on fire.
If a man smiles all the time he's probably selling something that doesn't work.
If lobsters looked like puppies, people could never drop them in boiling water while they're still alive. But instead, they look like science fiction monsters, so it's OK. Restaurants that allow patrons to select live lobsters from a tank should be made to paint names on their shells: "Happy," "Baby Doll," Junior." I defy anyone to drop a living thing named "Happy" in rapidly boiling water.
I feel sorry for homeless gay people; they have no closet to come out of. In fact, I imagine if you were gay and homeless, you'd probably be glad just to have a closet.
If you take the corn off the cob, not only do you have corn-off-the-cob, you also have cobs-out-from-inside-the-corn.
Rarely does a loose woman have a tight pussy.
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.
Those nicotine patches seem to work pretty well, but I understand it's kind of hard to keep 'em lit.
Those who dance are considered insane by those who can't hear the music.
I have as much authority as the pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
You can't fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
There ought to be at least one round state.
For a long time it was all right for a woman to keep a diary, but it sounded too fruity for men. So they changed it to journal. Now sensitive men can set down their thoughts without appearing too sensitive.
Sometimes the label on the can says "fancy peas." Then, you get 'em home and they're really rather ordinary. Nothing fancy about 'em at all. Maybe if they had little bullfight paintings on them, they would be fancy. But as is...
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
Eventually, nature will produce a species that can play the piano better than we can.
You know why I stopped eating processed foods? I began to picture the people who might be processing them.
When you buy a six-foot dildo, and call it a marital aid, you are stretching not just the anatomy, but also the limits of credibility.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR: "Jeff? We're going to have to break your skull again and reset it. Okey? It's way out of line. It looks really strange. But we won't do it until we've opened up that incision and put some more fire ants inside of you. OK?"
The nicest thing about a plane crashing at an air show is that they always have good video of the actual crash.
When ideas are concerned, America can be counted on to do one of two things: take a good idea and run it completely into the ground, or take a bad idea and run it completely into the ground.
If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.
You can lead a gift horse to water in the middle of the stream, but you can't look him in the mouth and make him drink.
Deep Throat: Think about it. There is actually an important figure in American history who is named for a blow-job movie. How do grade-school teachers handle this?
I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.
THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: "Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police."
The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Russia actually has something called vodka riots.
I saw a picture of the inventor of the hydrogen bomb, Edwin Teller, wearing a tie clip. Why would the man who invented a bomb that destroys everything for fifty miles be concerned about whether or not his tie was straight?
Which is more immoral? Killing two 100-pound people or killing one 300-pound person?
A lot of people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt.
I hope they do clone the dinosaurs, and they come back just in time for the ozone layer to disappear and wipe those ugly motherfuckers out again.[/quote]
There's a LOT more, but I'm too lazy to type all of them. Maybe later.
Topic: contest! (Read 1263 times)
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